Miscellaneous Musings

2002-07-24T09:01:00.000-04:00

Please Update Your Links
Miscellaneous Musings has moved.... New Musings Can be found here

So long blogger....and hello MT :-)

2002-07-23T13:39:00.000-04:00

Big Giant Important News
Thanks to the super talents of Julie, I will soon be unveiling a new and improved Miscellaneous Musings (in MT!). We (ha! - I say "we" as if I really have any idea how this stuff works) just need to do some final tweaks and then I'll share the new link.

The timing is perfect, too -- I really feel a deep transformation underway inside of me, and hopefully the new blog will help reflect that.

2002-07-22T14:54:00.000-04:00

There is an organization/company called the Syracuse Cultural Workers that I like to support on occasion. They are a group of artists/social activists that sell cards, posters, books, etc. that support liberal and lefty causes near and dear to my heart (peace, justice, feminism, gay-lesbian rights, etc).

They have a mission statement that says, "No matter what our attempts to inform, it is our ability to inspire that will turn the tides."

Words to live by. When I think of all the negativity and judgement (especially online) that goes into trying to "educate" people, I often wonder just how much more successful and inspiring it would be to simply live your own truth. Not the "you should do this" or "you need to do this" or "I can't believe she did this" stuff, but rather the quiet, understatement example of a mother and her children living an attached, healthy, happy, balanced life. It may become one of my new goals for this blog, and indeed, all my online interactions.

2002-07-21T23:07:00.000-04:00

We had a great weekend. Friday night, while Eliz. was at my sister's, the rest of us braved a thunderstorm and went out to dinner at one of our favorite little Italian restaurants. The food was fabulous, as always, and Jax was in such great spirits the whole evening. Saturday morning we lounged around and did laundry, all the while missing Eliz. and wondering why the house was so quiet. We went to meet her in the afternoon at my sister's house -- she had a fabulous time and was eager to tell us all about her adventures. We hung out there for a while, then went out to dinner with my sister's family and our friends. The place was loud, but the food was good and affordable and the kids were happy, and we all had a blast. After dinner we just hung outside the restaurant for almost an hour -- the adults talking and laughing, the kids running around a grassy area and laughing.

It is so wonderful to see a group of children who know and love each other and who play really well together. My daughter (and soon my son, too) is so blessed to have this little tribe of friends to call her own -- her cousins, first and foremost, and then a few special friends as well. This world of children is so magical, so free, so giving -- I think every child needs this kind of circle to call his/her own. I think children get something so incredible from interacting with each other, with parents nearby but not really interferring. I think it fills a need that only other children can fill for each other -- it is something beyond the mother/child or alloparent/child relationship. There is just something so natural, so primal, so right about seeing a group of children running around carefree and easily.

This is one of my biggest motivators for staying in this geographic area, even though my heart often longs to live somewhere else. I just love that my children will get to grow up with their cousins (and close friends, although I suppose friends can be found elsewhere). When I watch my daughter play with her cousins, it just fills my heart with such joy. They are so close, like sisters, and the bond between them is just incredible. I often dream of living in Cambridge or Berkeley or some other reall cool college town where I can access to cool work opportunities, culture, arts, etc. -- but then I think, my goodness, can I really take my children away from my sister's family? Can I really break this bond, and only have them see each other a few times a year? It's something that I'm thinking alot about lately, as J. and I are trying to decide where we want to live (we'll be moving in a couple of years -- whether it's just to another town, or another state, is the BIG decision, and we are having such a rough time with it).

Well that was some tangent. Back to the weekend -- today we had a lovely time at a small family gathering at my cousin's house. This cousin, Denise, was (is?) my mom's goddaughter, and there was always a very special bond between them. I hope I can get closer to her and keep our families in contact -- I think it's something my mom would really like.

And finally, speaking of my mom, it's been almost a year since her death. Wow. I am sure it will be weighing heavily on my mind in the next couple of weeks, as I mentally and emotionally prepare for this anniversary. But this is a topic that I'm going to save for another time. I'm tired, and don't want to cry myself to sleep tonight, kwim?

2002-07-20T12:15:00.000-04:00

SHIT!! When I tried to restore my old template, I lost my old comments and had to reinstall a new comments box. Sorry 'bout that. Julie, we need to talk about MT, please!!! Blogger is kicking my ass! --- UPDATE: I restored my old comments, so if anyone happened to comment in the shortlived new (and now defunct) comments, they were lost.

I wanted to make one last point about this subject. I think too often things get muddled because we DO make these arguments personal, particularly when we assign ill intent to people. I think dirt said something like we will assume the best of our friends, but rarely extend the same courtesy to those we don't care for. It's human nature, it's understandable, but it also muddles up these debates.

To use the most recent example one last time, some people were upset that Tanya went on a theater related trip and left her children at home part of the time with their father. But as I recall, a couple of years ago, Rhonda left her children (all but her nursling) at home to fly across the country for a week when Heather had her baby. Now, I'm going to give both Tanya and Rhonda a positive intent here -- that they both felt that what they did on those trips was important to them, and part of their calling/passion/life's work (theater for Tanya, doula/being a good friend for Rhonda). Neither are pursuits (theater/doula work, I hope I'm a good friend, however) that I would personally pursue, but you know what, I am DAMN happy that there are people in this world who are called to both types of work. I am glad there are people who care deeply about both types of work, and don't think of one as less or more frivolous than the other. So, I think those of you who currently are assigning an ill intent to Tanya might want to think seriously -- and honestly -- as to whether or not you did the same for Rhonda, and why or why not?

And as someone who finds passion in reading the dusty old letters/diaries of people who lived 200 years ago, who am *I* to judge what other people are called/drawn to (kwim?). There are lots of worthwhile endeavours in this world, particularly those that spread some form of joy/understanding/peace/knowledge/inspiration/love/service to others. Even the guy who collects dryer lint and turns it into little sculptures is pursuing a worthwhile calling - because he reminds us to find art/usefulnesss in something that most of us just toss in the trash.

2002-07-20T11:05:00.000-04:00

Okay, I am going to make a few disjointed (but all connected in my own mind) points about the current string of discussions about AP/mommies/daddies/priorities/etc.

First, I think it is really disingenuous and unfair to equate any separation/time away that a mom takes with "detachment." This is a false analogy in my opinion. A mother's physical absence does not equal detachment any more than her presence necessarily equals attachment (aren't there, for example, plenty of more "mainstream" -- whatever that means -- sahms who are home full time but are NOT attached to their children?) When I am in a coffee shop drinking a latte and reading a book, and my children are home with their father, I do NOT (repeat, do NOT) feel detached from them IN THE LEAST. I am taking a much needed "break" and some time alone with the primary purpose of feeling refreshed/rejuvenated so that I can do the best possible job I can as their mother. I still feel all the feelings of love, warmth, attachment, etc. for them as I do when I am with them. They are, I hope, secure enough in their attachment for me to realize that I am only gone a short time, and that I ALWAYS come back to them. They are, I hope, secure enough in their attachment to their father, that their time spent with HIM is focused on TIME SPENT WITH HIM, and not instead a lamentation of time NOT spent with me.

For me, at least, this isn't just about emphasizing that fathers ARE as capable as mothers of taking care of their children, it's about recognizing that time that children spend with their fathers is AS VITAL and AS IMPORTANT to their development/sense of well being/attachment/security etc as time spent with their mothers. It may not be the *same* but it is JUST AS IMPORTANT. I think we do mothers, fathers AND children a real disservice when we assume that time that children spend with their fathers is somehow a) necessarily detracting from the mother-child bond or b) somehow less than/less of a priority/less crucial than the time they spend with their mothers. FATHER/CHILD time IS and should be a priority in every child's life.

You see, I don't see love/attachment/security/etc as a zero-sum game. Love is not something that gets divided - rather it is multiplied and expanded when children are blessed with caregiverS who love and nurture and care for them. For example, the relationship that my daughter enjoyed with my mother (until her death) was one of the greatest blessings I could have given her. The warmth, love, and energy that my mother enveloped my child with was amazing -- it was nothing short of incredible (and I felt this way before her death, this isn't just some sappy melodramatic sense of loss/grief talking here). My mother was a true "alloparent" to my daughter. Their bond was strong, and fierce, and deep. And you know what? My daughter's heart being what it is -- full of love and warmth and attachment -- she is/was capable of being deeply and fiercely attached to ME, and her father, her Ma, and her aunt -- all at the same time. Her attachment to these other folks did not DETRACT from her attachment to me. She did not have to DETACH herself from me in order to ATTACH herself to other people. Rather, her heart learned, from its earliest stages, that love and attachment is something that is shared within a FAMILY -- and that those bonds are not the exclusive copyrighted possession of mothers/children.

I think this is, without doubt, one of the greatest gifts that I gave my daughter -- to allow her to develop strong and vibrant and true bonds of attachments with other adults in her life. I did not, in some state of matrydom/egomania/mother power stand in the way of that. And let's be honest here -- let's speak the unspoken that is rarely mentioned in these discussions of motherhood. Let's talk about the power that comes with being a mother. The POWER that comes with knowing that someone is so completely and totally dependent upon you for their survival and well being. Add to that the fierce, protective, amazing sense of LOVE that mothers feel (particularly attached mothers) -- and well, I think it sometimes creates a dangerous dynamic. This desire/effort to be the biggest influence in your child's life -- well, it can be a positive source of inspiration OR it can be something that you hold as power OVER your children (rather than as a source of EMPOWERMENT).

I think this is where this notion that the mother/child bond is so sacrosanct; so all-powerful; so untouchable that no other child/caregiver relationship can touch it comes from. It's about power. It's about keeping that love and awesome, amazing, breathtaking feelings that come with being in love with your child all to yourself. And in a way, it's about jealousy. Sometimes, we don't want to share our children's love with others -- we are so deeply and totally in love with them that we see others attention as a threat somehow to our own cherished place in our children's hearts. We don't necessarily want to compete with others for our children's love and devotion. Unless, of course, we are secure and confident enough to realize that our children's capacity to love is enormously great, and that as I mentioned above, love gets MULTIPLIED, not divided -- PARTICULARLY in the innocent, open, trusting hearts of children, who are not tainted by the abuses and misuses of love that come later.

Moreover, this sense of power that some mothers feel -- well, in a way, it's a way of making up for the power that is lost -- economically, status wise, career wise, etc. -- when a mother makes the decision to stay at home with her children and parent full time. Think about it -- if you are going to devote yourself so fully and so completely to the endeavour of raising your children, you have to, on some level, believe that ONLY you are capable of such an undertaking -- or, at least, you have to feel that you are the absolute BEST person to do this job. Yet if you allow, for example, that your husband or mother or other alloparent can ALSO be a source of love and caring and fierce attachment for your children, it doesn't necessarily HAVE to come at the expense of your job/sense of importance/etc. (and note I say ALSO, again, one attachment does not have to come at the expense of another). But you know what, if you are secure in your parenting, and your self, you CAN think of yourself as the best person for the job and still step away from that job for a couple of hours and know that it's still getting done well. Or, you can even take a more radical view -- and admit that despite the great importance of mothering, that having fathers/family members/alloparents in a child's life are just as important and essential to their well being as the job of mothering. That they provide something ADDITIONAL for children, something that mothers CANT fulfill all on their own because children NEED more than JUST THE GREAT AND ALL POWERFUL MOTHER/CHILD bond in their lives.

Am I speaking out of turn here? Or am I simply being too outspoken and too honest about the nature of mother love???

This is way too long, so I'll stop for now - oh, except to make this final point. I think mothers NEED more in their lives than JUST mothering. If you are someone who is fulfilled by mothering/housekeeping, and have no other passions, GOOD FOR YOU. I am seriously and honestly happy that you have found the calling that suits you. But if a mother happens to have another passion, calling, dream, aspiration, etc. -- well, I truly believe that she SHOULD find creative ways to pursue it. (And as a petty aside, let's not belittle other people's passions by calling them "hobbies" -- theatre is an art form, and art is necessary and vital to life -- not just a "hobby"). I think it is GOOD for children to see that their mothers have lives, and identities, and passions ASIDE from mothering. No, not ASIDE from mothering -- but rather as PART of their identities as mothers. Indeed, mothering may be my FIRST priority - but's not my ONLY one. NURTURING MYSELF AND MY CREATIVE IMPULSES is ALSO a priority. And I don't see that those priorities necessarily have to be in COMPETITION with each other (except for when babies are involved, I suppose, and even then, there are ways of WAH, etc. that can help one find a balance). Indeed, again, I don't see that pursuing something other than childrearing is even something APART from my mothering -- I see it as PART of my parenting, because it is PART of ME and MY SOUL. If I do not feel WHOLE, I can not be the mother I want to be. To be a whole self/soul, I have to allow room for expression for ALL of me. I owe it to myself, and to my children. Again, I don't know how to make this clear -- but when I start working on my school work again this fall, I won't/don't see it as "I'm putting something else ABOVE my children." I don't see it as misplaced priorities. I see it as an effort to be WHOLE.

I am reminded of a line from the movie, Chariots of Fire (one of my hubby's favorite). There is a character, Eric Liddel, who works with his sister as a Christian missionary/preacher, and is also an Olympic runner. When she insinuates that his running detracts from his church work, and that he should spend all his time doing his calling -- God's work, he replies, "Aiy, but He also made me fast. And when I run, I feel His pleasure."

That's it for me -- I am devoted to mothering, but I also have talents and intelligence that I am going to use -- and when I use them, I DO feel the pleasure of the universe/goddess/creation within me. And I will NOT deny that -- and I will NOT teach my children to deny that either. (geez, I should have just started with this line - because it is so perfectly capturing my sentiments at the moment).

More later when I find the time.

2002-07-19T17:44:00.000-04:00

Hubby's stuck in traffic, caused by some awful thunderstorms we're having. Sleeping baby still has me trapped in front of the computer.

I could blog about dads and AP and all that other stuff that's been on my mind, but I know my time is limited, and so I'll just leave it for another day instead, when I have time to collect my thoughts properly.

Oh, hubby's home.....yippee!!!!!

2002-07-19T17:16:00.000-04:00

NAK-ing, sleeping baby draped across my lap right now, effectively trapping me in front of the computer.

*Sniff, sniff* my little girl just left me. My sister called today and invited her to sleep over there, and then leave bright and early tomorrow a.m. for a day's adventure with her cousins at a kids' play park. I gave Eliz. the option of either sleeping over there, or having me drive her up to my sisters very early tomorrow a.m. (my sister is the type of person who likes to leave really early for stuff and be waiting at the gates for places to open up, kwim?). She thought about it for about, hmmm, 2 seconds, before jumping up and down, screaming, "SLEEPOVER! SLEEPOVER!" Then proceeded to spend the rest of the afternoon asking, "is it time for Aunt Ree Ree to pick me up yet?" She is so excited, and I know she'll have a blast. My sister, for her part, knows that her girls will have an even better time with their cousin along (and that since they all get along so well together, it's not really any extra work for her), and she thought I could use a little break. Have I mentioned lately that I *heart* my sister?!

Now the idea of having a night/morning ahead of us with just one kid is somewhat of a thrill for hubby and me (and yet I still remember the days when I thought have one kid was SO hard -- amazing how quickly your perception changes when two kids are in the mix). And an unexpected thrill at that, since my sister came up with this idea rather spontaneously, and at the last minute. So, the three of us are going out to dinner (as close to a "date" night as we come these days) and then hopefully Jax will fall asleep relatively early tonight so that hubby and I can have some quality, um, cuddle time ;-) I'm even wearing a skirt for the occasion :-)

2002-07-19T12:01:00.000-04:00

This is the bedding I am ordering for Elizabeth for her birthday -- only trouble is, it is backordered until the end of August -- I think that will be okay, since I will just tell her that the fairies need extra time to sew it for her :-) And it's a bargain at $30 for the comforter....the "princess" bedding she originally wanted costs something like $150 *just* for the comforter, than another $45 for sheets, and let's not mention all the little pillows/accessories. I'm sorry, but I refused to pay more for *her* bedroom stuff than I did for my own (especially since she still spends half her nights in my bed anyway, lol). I showed her this, and she quickly changed her mind (whew).

2002-07-17T15:30:00.000-04:00

NOTE: I deleted my pathetic whine about feeling pathetic and unloved -- it was just a catalyst, anyway, for getting to the root of the matter -- which is this feeling -- this undercurrent of change/transformation -- that seems to be swelling within me. I need to muse about it some more, when I have the time, so for now I am only leaving the last part of my post here as a reminder -- that is, the end, which is really a beginning, of course..

And thank you Meagan, and Holly, for your kind words.

All this is related to my general feelings of transformation and change lately. I think, for me, there is something so powerful, so energetic, and so symbolic about swimming in the ocean that stirs something up, deep inside my soul, and makes me reevaluate and rethink where I am/where I'm headed. Perhaps that's why I have felt a bit "off" since returning from the beach. I feel like wrapping myself into a cocoon -- but while it's a dark place, I know that there's a big transformation or metamorphasis coming -- and I need a quiet place to think and reflect and realize my own potential. Actually, I wish I could go back to the ocean and lose my self and my thoughts for a bit more -- I just love the way I feel when I am surrounded by the earth's waters.

2002-07-16T11:09:00.000-04:00

Blogger sucks. The dear sweet and ever-talented Julie is going to help me get set up on MT -- although I just hope she doesn't regret that decision, when she realizes how clueless I am about all things web-site-building related ;-)

Right now, I don't have much to say. I'm still in a post-vacation sort of haze. Stepping away from the computer for a week, having no internet access (and no real desire to check in, because I was too busy sunning and funning) -- well, it has done something to my online persona. I'm reading the latest mini-dramas, and I have no energy/desire/need to get sucked into them (and this is a good thing). I just think I need to seriously rethink my online time, and find a way to make it as productive and useful and positive for me from now on. Support, friendship, information, community, entertainment -- these are good things. The drama, the innuendo, the snide references to what people do or say -- well, what's the point of all that? I guess I'm just feeling really impatient and disconnected about that sort of thing these days.

And my blog -- well, I'm going to make more of an effort to use it for my own purposes -- as a writing tool; as a space to write about my own life as I carve my own path; and find my way. Yes, I'd love to be popular and well-admired and have a comment box stuffed full of validation, praise and adoration -- but my blog can't be about that kind of thing. My blog has to be about living my truth, and being true to me. Of course, external validation doesn't hurt (so go ahead and stuff that box -- grin!) -- but it's time to concentrate on some self-validation, kwim?

2002-07-15T14:42:00.000-04:00

well, at least the fine folks at YACCS make it easy for a clueless blogger like myself to reinstall comments. Feeling just a teensy bit better than I did 15 minutes ago. :-)

2002-07-15T14:29:00.000-04:00

damn, I had to lose my old template just to get this thing to publish. And in the process, I've lost my comments/links!!! DAMN!!!! *insert stronger curse words of choice here*.

Julie or anyone else with a kind, generous soul -- will someone PLEASE teach me to use moveable type and help me make a new blog?????? It took me all morning to figure out how to get this one to post for me again. PLEASE?????????? PRETTY PLEASE?????????? WITH SUGAR ON TOP?????????? and an organic cherry, too????

2002-07-15T14:25:00.000-04:00

test

2002-07-15T10:26:00.000-04:00

I'm back, dear readers. We spent a fantastic week at the beach, and had a lovely time. More soon when I'm not so tired, and when I finally finish unpacking and sorting through mounds of laundry (or perhaps more accurate -- when I get tired of those tasks, and need a break instead, *grin*).

2002-07-05T12:38:00.000-04:00

Happy 5th of July! (well, why should the 4th get all the glory and attention, lol)
We saw more fireworks last night, right here in our town, with a couple of friends. The kids really enjoyed the show. The only downside was the fact that it was 90 degrees at 9 pm -- it was just so unbelievably hot and sticky. It's been this hot all week -- just too hot to do *anything*. I haven't been able to walk all week, because I didn't want the kids out mid-day when it's been so hot -- there have been heat advisories and everything every single day this week. Luckily today seems a bit less hot and more comfortable -- although we are stuck home waiting for a delivery. Hopefully it will be here soon so I can get the kids out to the park or something -- they've both been really patient and happy to just hang out at home all morning, but I'm starting to get a little bored and antsy myself, kwim??

I won't be around much the next week or so -- taking a bit of break from online world since there's alot going on around here (all good, just super busy). Try not to miss me too much and *smooches* to all my readers.

2002-07-01T22:49:00.000-04:00

Oh my...I am exhausted and run down today after our busy weekend of activity, and yet I can fit the amount of down time I've had today into a thimble. I am so frustrated by this. Every time I've attempted to relax, something has interrupted me. This a.m. I tried to nap with Jax while Eliz. was at her summer preschool program.....and the mailman woke me up. Tonight I packed us a picnic dinner and was to go with hubby to see his softball game, but at the last minute, I was feeling anti-social and tired and wanted to just stay home and chill.....luckily Jack understood...but then just as Jack and Eliz. were leaving, a friend showed up to say hello, and I wound up talking with him for almost an hour while his son was in karate class nearby. He finally left (I don't mean it that way, I really did enjoy the visit, I just wasn't up for company, kwim??), and I get Jax down for a nap. But then just as I'm about to sit down and relax, the phone rings, and it's Elizabeth's grandma, who wants to drop by the pictures she took at the blessing yesterday. She comes by (to my awful messy house because I didn't have the energy today to clean) and stays for a bit. I stuff her with cake (so I don't eat more of it, lol) and she leaves, and then Jack and Eliz. come home and it's just like never ending here. Jax takes forever to go to sleep, and then Eliz. is still awake as of 10:30 pm but finally I just gave up and snuck down stairs. I am exhausted and need to go to bed, but can't until she finally falls asleep because now she wants to sleep in my bed with me...

I need a break....having absolutely NO time to me today -- and especially after such an "on" weekend without any me time either -- well, it's just stressing me out to the max. I am *craving* solitude and I can't seem to get any...and now I'm so damn exhausted I'm just going to crawl into bed, instead of getting to relax or read or just unwind like a normal human being. Sigh.

/vent

I'll try to be less whiny tomorrow, k?

2002-07-01T15:00:00.000-04:00

So if someone who is obviously soliciting calls and asks "is Mr. or Mrs. Hubbyslastname available," and I politely answer, "No they are not, can I take a message?" -- well, it's not really a lie. Really, I'm *not* available (I'm busy eating leftover cake) and besides, technically I'm *not* "Mrs. Hubbyslastname" since I kept my maiden name. So there :-)

This weekend was incredible -- a little overwhelming and exhausting, but incredible. Yesterday was Jackson's blessing. We had a lovely time, and I promise later to blog about the ceremony itself, which hopefully everyone enjoyed and didn't think was too goofy. We had the event at a local catering place, and the food was amazing. The above-mentioned leftover cake is so damn sinfully delicious, I have to throw the rest of it out or else I could seriously it every last bite of it -- it is *that* good -- and I don't even particularly *care* for cake. This one is just amazing, and I think it tastes even better today than it did yesterday.

Saturday was a non-stop whirlwind of activity...I had an appointment for a pedicure in the a.m (giving my son the gift of my having perfectly-polished toes for his big day, of course). From there we went right to a carnival near my sister's house and then back to her house for a while. Then in the late afternoon, hubby, Eliz., my sister's family, and my friend's son went to a Dragon Tales show -- I graciously gave up my ticket at the last minute so that our friend's son could attend. Instead, Jackson, myself, and my friends (parents of said son) hung out together together and then went out to dinner at a nice restaurant -- we sat outside on a patio and had a fantastic time. A three adults to one baby ratio makes for a very enjoyable afternoon, especially with this couple, since they absolutely adore Jax and basically argue over who gets to hold him, while Jax smiles and coos and gives them raspberry kisses. The kids had a blast at the show, while hubby, my sister and bro-in-law cast us dirty looks when they found out how we spent our "free" time. After dinner/show, we hung out for a while longer at my friend's brother's house (who lives right across the street from my sister's house, if you're bothering to pay attention to these sort of mundane details) and then walked to the see the fireworks show in my sister's town. Besides having to wait a ridiculously long time for the show to begin (technical difficulties) we had a great time. The kids were all in good spirits, despite having such a hectic day and being up later than usual. Sweet Jax fell asleep while waiting for the fireworks, but then woke up once they began and was absolutely mesmerized by them. I think it was more fun to watch his reaction than to watch the fireworks themselves -- in any case, I divided my attention between the two beautiful sights.

There are dozens of more things I want to say/write about but I'm outta time for now. More soon for anyone who might happen to be reading and enjoying this stuff ;-)

2002-06-27T20:38:00.000-04:00

Busy, busy, busy....Has anyone missed me and these miscellaneous musings of mine?

Tuesday we had an absolutely terrific time at my friend's pool...it was one of those perfect summer days, and we all had such a fabulous time. We wound up staying at her house through dinner and by the time I finally came home, both kids fell asleep in the car (althought Jax woke up and nursed for an hour when we got home, but Eliz. stayed asleep the entire night -- woo-frigging-hoo!). Hope we get to do it again sometime. And today Eliz. spent a couple of hours at another friend's house while Jax and I ran errands (and then we met up with her there and hung out for a nice bit). All this socializing this week has been great, but it's leaving me with very little time to just relax and have some much-needed solitude time.

The rest of the week has just been so damn busy. Jax's blessing is on Sunday, and of course I have waited 'till the last minute to get everything ready, and now I'm starting to get really stressed because there's still so much to do and only a couple of days left in which to do it all. I think I finally have all the errands done, though -- I made little gift bags for the other kids that will be there, and got candles for the adults (which are going to be used in the ceremony). I think the only big thing left is planning the actual ceremony -- but that's a big thing. I have lots of ideas and I am using the book Welcoming Ways, which is an excellent resource -- the real trick is narrowing down all the great ideas/poems/ceremonies/sayings/etc and deciding which ones to use. When I'm done here I need to get to work on it.

I'm a little cranky this evening -- I went out for an hour by myself to one of my favorite used bookstores, but even that didn't cheer me up. I was looking at all these women's studies and history books, and actually bought a couple, but then I wondered when I'd ever actually get the chance to read them (let alone having the opportunity to actually incorporate the ideas into my own work), and that sort of made me feel a bit "off" - kwim? I'm pretty sure it's just the stress of this week that's got me feeling this way -- I feel like I am doing all the work for this party, and my hubby is not helping at all - and if anything, he's giving me grief about the money I am spending, which irks me to no end. For example, I had my sister buy me a new camera from her work because ours (which was about 15 years old) broke two weeks ago and we need a new one before the blessing (especially since we are then going on vacation a week later). I don't have time to research/bargain hunt for a really "good" camera, so I just asked her to pick up whatever she could at her work -- which was one of those advantix film ones. Well, he gave me grief about the cost, but you know what, I haven't seen him shopping for the camera in the past two weeks, and I certainly don't have time in the next 2 days to get one, and so this just seemed like the best idea, given the circumstances. If he wants it to be done another way, he's gotta get off his duff and do it, and NOT complain about the choices I have to make when I'm down to the wire and running out of time and need all the help I can get. It's bad enough I asked him to do ONE thing for me this week (call a friend before they left for their vacation so that we could see about borrowing their back carrier) -- and do you think he made that one damn call? Now they've left and chances are we won't see them again before *our* vacation, and so we've got no carrier to take with us camping unless we buy one, which I really didn't want to do until I had a chance to try one out and see if I like it. Grrr....I guess I'm a little upset with him, huh? He really is a great guy, he's just annoying me this week ;-)

Well I'm off in search of a snack and then off to work I go on this blessing stuff.

2002-06-24T22:06:00.000-04:00

Do you know the phrase "hot as an oven?" Well, that's what this attic/study is like right now. I am melting as I type this. It's 10 pm and yet it's absolutely sweltering up here. I could turn the a/c on, but the downstairs a/c is on and I hate to run them all at the same time -- it just doesn't feel right energy-use wise.

Anyway, this should be a short entry, as I am sweating my ass off (aaahhh, if only that *were* true).

So my friend called tonight (Jen, who is/was my sister's old neighbor and who I think I mentioned a few weeks ago as someone I really like and hope to see more of) and invited me and the kids to go with her to her town pool tomorrow. I really like her, and we should have a fun day -- Eliz. adores her son and talks about him all the time. The only downside: it means I have to wear said bathing suit two-weeks ahead of schedule. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. But it should be a fun time, once I get over my bathing suit phobia. Send me strength!

Tonight we had friends over for a simple dinner. It was such a lovely time. We had dinner outside -- we made kabobs on the grill, and had a garden salad and a yummy orzo side dish that I just love. Hubby did cause the grill to catch fire by not watching it as it was warming up, but once that minor crisis was averted, all was well. He is just NOT good at multi-tasking -- especially when he's trying to cook. Oh well, I love him anyway;-) After dinner we retired inside to cool off a bit, and had a most delicious fruit salad for dessert. Eliz. and her two friends played so well together all night, and once we got inside they basically disappeared together into the front room, leaving the grown-ups free to chat and coo at Jax, who was so sweet and social despite being exhausted from missing his afternoon nap (and yet he refused to sleep, afraid he might miss some of the festivities, lol).

Now, the kitchen is a mess, and I also have to pack for the pool trip tonight and shower/shave, but it was a really good night. I'm feeling good. I love this casual get-together with friends kind of night, the kind of during-the-week socializing thing that we don't do often enough even though it's always great when we do. But between tonight, then my pool trip with my friend tomorrow, and tentative plans on Thursday to see another friend, I am just a social butterfly, huh? (see my wings flapping??) ;-) It's the summer of fun, baby! (I don't know why I just wrote that "summer of fun" line, the only person who would get the inside joke is my dear hubby, and he's not reading this. I should delete the whole reference because at this point I'm just rambling incoherently).

Goodness, I am tired and hot -- I think my brain has melted away. Apologies to my readers for the rambling. I gotta go downstairs and cool off.

2002-06-24T12:10:00.000-04:00

Some unconnected, rambly thoughts
My poor neglected lonely blog. Waiting patiently for me to post an update. Waiting patiently for readers to come and read. Hoping with all her hope that some kind reader will actually -- bestill my heart -- leave a comment or two. What's a lonely blog to do??

I have a gazillion and a half (yes, that many, I made a list) things to do this week so I don't know that I'll be around much, and when I do get a quick moment to come here, I find that I'm too tired to write anything witty or insightful. My days are filled with endless errands and trying to get the place clean and organized and trying to prepare for baby Jackson's blessing and our upcoming vacation.

This a.m. I ran a bunch of errands -- one to the supermarket to get a couple of things -- because, believe it or not, after trips to both Whole Foods and the regular supermarket yesterday, I still managed to forget a couple of things. I bought -- a red onion, lettuce, an orange, a bagel and a drink (those last two items because I forgot to eat breakfast). The cashier asked me, "do you want these all in one bag?" I looked at him like he was nuts and politely said, "excuse me?" like I didn't hear him -- and he repeated the request. I had 5 frigging small items -- yes, I want them in one bag? What is the alternative? To place each tiny item in its own bag? Is it me, or is this a strange request?

I read a recipe on Harriet's blog this a.m. for this amazing sounding citrus cake. I actually bought the orange thinking I might bake it today because we have friends coming by for dinner tonight. But it's like 90 degrees here today in the shade and so I don't think I want to bake in this heat. But damn, that cake sounds yummy.

One last vent: I can't seem to lose any more weight. I've been stuck at more or less the same weight (give or take a pound here and there, since our scale is very inaccurate) for weeks now. I'm not dieting but I am trying to eat more healthy foods. I am walking and/or running at least 3 times a week, closer to 5 times on average. I feel more healthy, and I have more energy. And I notice that my clothes are getting looser -- in fact, the other day I bought a skirt w/out trying it on and when I got home, I had to return it because it was way too loose. These are all good things, right? But why the hell can't I just lose some more weight??? I still want to lose another 15-20 pounds total, and it's frustrating to not have the pounds come off. Of course, I refuse to give up chocolate or go to any extremes (ie a diet), but still, I am making good eating choices and being more conscious about this stuff, so why am I stuck?? I'm trying to tell myself that it's the healthy eating and exercise that really matters, not the number on the scale, but DAMMIT it's SUMMER time and I have to wear a bathing suit in TWO WEEKS and I'm feeling rather put-off by this whole mess.

/vent.

Edited:
It occured to me while re-reading this before posting that a) maybe the guy thought I wanted my bagel in a separate bag because I was gonna eat it right away? I don't know, just trying to assume a positve intent here. and b) yes, I notice the irony in talking about cake and then complaining about my weight, so don't say it. just give it a miss. ;-)

Okay, back to your regularly scheduled day.

2002-06-21T18:53:00.000-04:00

Well, if the past few days are any indication, I suspect I will be spending very little time online this summer. We have spent our time either running about (errands, visiting friends, etc) or outside playing in the yard. I suppose it's a good thing, but I'm afraid I'l be completely out of the loop for any forthcoming internet community scandals ;-)

Today was a busy but great day. I'm exhausted and it's what,only 7:00 p.m. here? Still at least a couple of hours before the kids go to sleep. I'm enjoying a mini-break now, in that J. took Eliz. to the store and Jackson is happily playing at my feet as I write this.

We are going to feast on our fruit salad when they return -- I put the fruit in a circle-shaped container with little compartments (like a veggie & dip platter) and it looks nice and yummy -- the pineapple is in the center, and the red fruits are in the outer compartments like the rays of the sun. I just have to add the mango and kiwi somewhere.

This might be one of the more boring entries I've written, for that I apologize. I just don't have any grand or witty insights at the moment....

2002-06-20T23:21:00.000-04:00

Mmmmmmm....that was sooooo yummy. I splurged and bought a bunch of organic fruits today at Whole Foods, mostly to make a fruit salad for tomorrow to celebrate the solstice. But after we finally got the kids to bed tonight (Eliz. hung in there till almost 10:30 pm), we decided to make a quick batch of chocolate fondue....omg....this was so incredibly delicious. Picture this big, colorful, delicious platter of fruit - oranges, bananas, pineapple, cherries, raspberries, and strawberries -- and a small vat of gooey chocolate. Did I say yummmy?....I think the cherries were my favorite. I only bought 1/2 pound, because the organic ones were so freaking expensive and they had to get them special for me in the back b/c there weren't any out, but omg....they are sooo damn good, I am already plotting my next trip there to splurge on some more. The little that I bought won't last past tomorrow, and I am already craving some more. I have already decided that I'll make another trip there sometime this weekend, all under the guise of buying more organic limeade (which is on sale this week for only .99 cents for a quart, which is a pretty good deal).

Mmmm...I'll be dreaming of food all night I think. (I also had an awesome wrap sandwich for lunch today from this new place we tried.....yummy, too).....hmmm....is it any wonder I don't lose weight? I just enjoy eating food way tooo much. It is like a sensual experience for me to eat food that I really enjoy. And what talent I have...I can even take a relatively healthy thing like fruit and make it sinful and fattening by making it bathe in chocolate before I eat it. Oh well. I don't look *that* bad now, do I???? (Just please don't remind me that I need to be in a bathing suit in just a few weeks time -- and don't remind me that in a few months time, I'll have to wear one with the gorgeous Julie nearby. Hmmm....Maybe I'll send her lots and lots of chocolate to eat the week before our trip!).

In other news, today just flew by. Spent most of the afternoon outside...it was a glorious day, and Eliz. talked us into setting up her little kiddie pool. I have barely been online at all today, which I guess is a good thing (keeps me out of trouble and what not....)

I have no real plans for tomorrow's solstice...it just sort of snuck up on me, and I feel bad that I didn't plan better. We'll set up our summer table, and we'll eat dinner outside tomorrow (with our fruit salad for dessert), but I don't really have much more planned. I guess we'll just light some candles and I'll try to come up with something. Any ideas????

Hubby is here reminding me to get some sleep!

2002-06-19T23:06:00.000-04:00

Thanks to Julie, K, and Christine for the reassurances -- although I did have to LOL about the advice to change my routine -- part of my problem is that I don't really have *any* set routines, at least not any that I keep consistently follow (although I am trying!). However, somehow I *did* manage to turn this into a good day, and I'm damn proud of myself. Part of the reason I was upset this a.m. is that I had planned to take Jax to the mall today while Eliz. was in preschool (I had a return to make, and some b-day money to spend). But I couldn't get myself ready/organized in time, and then he had this overtired-cranky spell, and then finally went down for a nap. At that point, I didn't want to risk waking him by transporting him to the car, so I let him sleep, while I stewed and sulked about my thwarted plans.

Anyway, when he woke up, I decided to run up to the mall just to make the return (since I didn't have enough time to shop before having to pick up Eliz). But I did have time to treat myself to nice lunch there, and that felt good. Then we went to pick her up -- I walked, and took the long way home to get some extra exercise/fresh air. And somehow we managed to have a fun afternoon -- basically by being really silly and spontaneous. We did a lot of singing and dancing and were just sort of goofy in general. The three of us had fun together, and no one was cranky ;-)

And then -- I took some much-needed time for ME! When hubby came home, I went out for a couple of hours ALONE! I browsed the bookstore, and then dragged Renee to Starbucks, where we sat and drank decaffenated coffee and chatted. I can't tell you how much this evening refreshed my spirits. I came home smiling, and feeling energetic, and refreshed. (My family, strangely enough, wasn't home when I got there --which was a strange feeling-- but I quickly found them two doors down chatting and playing with some neighbors. They had a really fun time while I was gone). Anyway, we have decided that I am to have one night a week where I go out when J. gets home and then come back in time to nurse Jax to sleep. We are to put it on the calendar and treat it with same reverence we would one of J's softball games, or an appointment, or a social event. Some nights I'll just sit and read/write in the bookstore or cafe; others I might catch a movie; sometimes maybe a little retail therapy may be in order; perhaps sometimes I'll use the time to take a nice, long walk/run without havng to push the double jogging stroller. The beauty is I get to decide what to do ;-) And hopefully I can persuade R. to join me whenever she can, so that I can enjoy the beauty of uninterrupted adult conversation (even if we do wind up spending lots of time talking about our babies).

I also realized something very important today -- when I name my fears/worries/anxieties/stress, somehow just the very act of acknowledging them/bringing them into the light robs them of some of the power they have over me. I find that I am much more likely to work thorugh a problem situation, etc., if I am mindful/conscious of it and allow myself to admit that I am troubled by it. Trying to ignore it or letting it fester just gives it more power over me, and creates negative energy that robs me of my ability to think creatively. But venting or blogging is very freeing to me -- it forces me to be more honest about what's troubling me, and that honesty/awareness/mindfulness/call it what you will is what I need to motivate myself.

Okay -- I must go to bed soon -- if I can get some decent sleep tonight, I may be able to keep this good vibe tomorrow as well :-)

2002-06-19T11:02:00.000-04:00

I feel as though I have temporarily lost my internet "voice" -- I feel self-silenced, for reasons that aren't quite completely clear to me. I'm feeling very pensive, and when that happens, I have a tendency to retreat inwardly, rather than share all of my insecurities and worries to the world. Even though I usually feel better after I finally DO decide to unload my thoughts, and then I wonder why I didn't just "talk" all this stuff out earlier? Strange, huh?

But I don't know if I'm ready to unburden my thoughts yet. I am so tired -- for the past several days, I have had very broken and interrupted sleep, and yet despite my exhaustion,I'm still having trouble falling asleep each night. I'm more irritable as a result -- sleep deprivation is a huge trigger for me. I am self-medicating with too much caffeine to give me the energy I need to get through the day -- which, duh, probably explains why I can't fall asleep at night despite my exhaustion. I don't have the energy I need to tackle my ever-growing to-do list.

I hate sounding so whiney, but I am feeling really out of sorts. Geez, it's 11a.m. and I already feel burned out. How am I going to get through this day? I need to turn this day around somehow, and make it a good one. Just wish I knew how.

2002-06-17T13:47:00.000-04:00

Back from a hectic, exhausting, but fun Father's Day weekend. Today I feel really run down and tired, I'm basically in "hermit" mode and trying to rest as much as possible to regain my strength. Which sucks because I have a to-do list about a mile long, and absolutely no motivation/energy to tackle any of it.

Well, my dear readers, my long-lost friend did send me a reply today to my 'happy birthday' email of last week. And in it, he talked about how he always has the best of intentions in terms of keeping in touch with me, but always fails at following through. And he thanked me for my efforts at keeping in touch with him. He also said he wouldn't be around all summer so he didn't know when he'd be able to talk next.

I guess it was refreshing to read all this, but also very confusing. Before today, I had pretty much decided that I would no longer put the energy in this relationship, that I could no longer deal with not getting any "return on my investment" so to speak. I had begun to move on, as painful as it was. Now I'm torn. Clearly, he will never be the friend that I want him to be -- one who invests as much time/energy in the friendship as I do -- and he's finally admitted this. But what do I do with this knowledge? Do I continue with the process of letting go -- or do I hold on to the sliver that's left? Do I find a way to accept that we will only talk very rarely, and probably only at my initiation -- and come to peace with the erratic, maybe even one-sided nature of our friendship? Or do I let go now, to spare myself any more future pain that may inevitably arise from me having greater expectations from him than he is able to give to our friendship?

I think, deep down, he does care about our friendship -- I think his intentions are good, but he absolutely sucks at keeping in touch. And perhaps if our history wasn't filled with strange vibes of hurt and frustration of us trying to come to terms with this central fact, we may have made peace with all this long ago. I have lots of other people in my life with whom I only keep very sporadic and uneven contact with, and we mutually understand that life/distance/circumstance keeps us from being a bigger part of each other's lives. I guess I have to apply the same standards in this case, even though that's difficult, if only because I had greater expectations/ideals for what this friendship was to me.

And all this on a day when I'm tired and trying not to eat chocolate (because I have to wear a swimsuit in three weeks' time). Sigh. This bowl of fruit just ain't cutting it. I think I might break down and go to Starbucks today for one of those frappa-whatever drinks.

2002-06-14T11:20:00.000-04:00

Well, I think the spell has been broken. It's after midnight, the ball gown is now a tattered worn workdress, and the glass slipper is no where to be found. I'm still in a good mood, but there's definitely a touch of post-birthday let down in the air. Today I'm home alone with both kids, no hubby to cook me pancakes and shower me with gifts. It's a cold, dreary, rainy day, so I don't really want to take the kids anywhere today if I don't have to. We are supposed to go to my niece's preschool show today, I don't know if it will be rained out or moved or what. And my dad is coming over for lunch in a little while, and I didn't get to the supermarket to buy what I wanted, and so now I'm scrambling to find stuff for us to eat (luckily I've got some miscellaneous stuff from Trader Joe's last week, and so I think I'll make raviolis, and some soup).

There was just one damp spot on my birthday, and but I didn't let myself think about it yesterday, since I was having such a great day. But my friend that I blogged about last month -- the one who never called/emailed me back -- well, we share a birthday and I really thought he would have at least remembered me yesterday. I sent a random, casual, "happy birthday" email to him, but I don't even know if he got it. This just saddens me so much. I feel a real sense of loss, like this friendship has slipped away from me, and there is nothing I can do about it. Not having any explanation or contact from him just really hurts my feelings -- ALOT. We were friends for a very long time, and it's hard to realize and accept that we are no longer friends, but I can no longer account for his long, mysterious absence of contact in any other way. I need to come to terms with this, and grieve the loss, and then move on. But it's a hard thing to do. Truthfully, I had already started the process of letting go, after he never got back to me last month. I have been spending less energy thinking of him, and more energy devoted to the friends that I am blessed to have in my life currently. But having our birthday pass unnoticed from him -- that really stings. I'm not even angry, just sad and disappointed and bewildered and feeling hurt and confused by the silence.

Pass the chocolates, please. And someone pour me a drink, okay?

2002-06-13T22:00:00.000-04:00

Thanks for the well wishes. The rest of the day has been pretty sweet, as well. Some highlights: I ran another 1/2 mile today, with Elizabeth in the stroller (while Jax napped). We ran to the coffee shop, and I treated myself to a Chai Latte, and it was very sweet to just sit there and chat with my daughter on my b-day (oh, and then I walked home, because the thought of running after drinking a chai latte just didn't seem right, kwim?). But I did it -- another 1/2 mile run! Saturday I'm gonna attempt to run 3/4 or maybe even a mile. I think I'm gonna do an every-other-day schedule to help my body/legs get used to the change. We'll see what happens.

Then we went out to dinner tonight, with my family, to celebrate. We went to Applebees, because Elizabeth was quite insistent that this was where I should have my "family party." LOL We had a lovely time, and the kids were in a great mood all night long. I wore a cute little pink bandana-print skirt that's 2 years old, but it felt brand new since I didn't get to wear it all last summer (while preggo). And of course I wore my beautiful pendant from my hubby,too!

My sister bought me a beautiful silver necklace with a "sister bell" on it. It had a little card explaining the significance, and it just made me cry, it was so sweet. You see (and I can NOT believe I'm about to admit this in public!) my sister's nickname for me is "lu lu bell." (It comes from when she was two and couldn't say "Lucia" -- "lu lu bell" is what came out instead, in part because my grandma used to call me "Luciabella"). Anyway she saw it and said, "it's a sister bell -- that's perfect for my lu lu bell." She actually found it in Williamsburg on vacation in April, and she's been saving it for me since then, and couldn't wait to give it to me. It's probably one of the most special gifts I've ever gotten, and I will treasure it always.

Oh, and my brother gave me a gift certificate, and my Dad gave me a boatload of money (his effort to keep my mom's generous spirit alive), so I think I'm gonna splurge and buy myself a digital camera :-)

I'm off to cuddle with my sweetheart and eat some chocolate! This was a good birthday. . . I'm feeling very blessed today.

2002-06-13T11:27:00.000-04:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

How's that for a little shameless self-promotion? I can't help it -- I do love my birthday, and so far, it has been a great day for me! First, I got to go to the movies last night, and see a "chick flick" with a super-cool chick (waves Hi!). This morning I got to sleep in a bit, and I awoke to my super-sweet family piling into bed with me bearing lots of presents and cards. Jackson was dressed in a "Born At Home" romper as his gift to me. Elizabeth wrote out her own card to me, all by herself (well, Jack told her how to spell "love"). Jack bought me the goddess pendant from Attachments Catalog that I wanted (actually, he originally had ordered it for Mother's Day, but it got here too late). He also got me some cute, "dressy" shorts. Then, he and Eliz. made me pancakes for breakfast. I got to take a nice, long, uninterrupted shower ALL BY MYSELF (I even shaved my legs, just cause I could). The doorbell rang before, and my dearest friend from Tennesee sent me flowers. It's a great day.

And somewhere out there, someone very special to me shares this day with me, even though we are apart. Happy Birthday, M!

And somewhere else, I can feel my mom's love washing over me today. I know she wants me to have a great birthday - she always spoiled me on my birthday, and made me feel very special. I can feel her presence, and I know she's with me today -- And I feel a sense of peace and warmth enveloping me today.

2002-06-11T14:07:00.000-04:00

I went for my first "real" run today -- for the past week or so, I have been doing little "spurts" of running in the middle of my walks, but I have not been able to actually "run." I just always seem to peeter out as soon as I start, and have to stop. I think trying to learn to run AND push the double stroller at the same time is just too damn HARD. So this a.m., with Eliz in preschool, I took Jax in the single stroller and tried again. I started out and immediately got a pain in my shin and had to stop. I got very frustrated/discouraged, and said, "Jax, why can't I do this??? why is it so hard???" But I tried again, this time with a much slower pace, more like a jog than a sprint. And I was able to run a 1/2 mile to the liquour store (a funny place to run to, I realize, but I needed to buy a bottle of champagne to give to our neighbours, because their daughter is getting married this week). On the way home, it was SO hot (it's close to 90 today here) and I was tired and didn't want to push myself, so I walked home (also, I was a little nervous about dropping that champagne out of the basket -- it was an expensive bottle!). Plus, the walk home is always UPHILL, no matter where I go, and so that would have made it even harder.

I decided I'm gonna try to work 2 runs a week into my walking schedule. But I'm either gonna do them with just Jax ("just Jax," that's funny, LOL) or even better, all alone. Jack and I were talking, and one thing we can do is all walk to the park together, and then he can easily watch the kids for the 15-30 minutes it will take me to go for a quick run. I'm gonna do this -- I'll just slowly start trying to run a little more each time, until I can run 1 mile, 2 miles, 3 miles, etc. No matter how long it takes me, I'm gonna try. When I get better, I'll work in more runs each week, and who knows? maybe in a few months time, I'll even have the strength to run with both kids in the big heavy stroller?

I want to do this -- not just because I want to lose weight, and be happier with the number on the scale, or inside my pants (although, that is part of it). But more than that, I want to be HEALTHY. I want to be strong. I want to be capable. I want to have some speck of athletic ability to call my own. I want to run in races, like my hubby does, for the fun and thrill it seems to bring him. I want my kids to see a strong, healthy, fit, active mama, who is young and vibrant and full of energy, despite her age (lbut let's not even go there, not with my b-day 2 days away!).

What's that saying - the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step? Well, I feel like I took a first step today, and it feels good.

2002-06-10T22:49:00.000-04:00

Update: Well, he did call and we wound up having a lovely chat. It was sort of weird -- somehow I knew when I called, that it *was* him (even though I wasn't sure), and I *knew* he would get the message and call me back. Don't ask me *how* I knew this, I just did. It's not an ego thing (like, "yes of course he'd call ME!") but just a feeling of connection, kwim? Anyway, after dinner tonight I nursed Jax and he took a nap while Jack and Eliz. took a trip to the park to play. When I put Jax down, I checked my cell phone, and sure enough, he had left his phone # (OT: apparently my phone has the ability for callers to just leave a page-like # in my inbox -- an additional feature besides the "voice" mail option. I never knew this feature existed and it took me 5 minutes to figure out that's what he had done and access the page -- I really need to read the manual AND get more phone calls, dontcha think??? Somebody CALL ME, PLEASE!!!).

Anyway, I called him, and he answered (ah! a direct line this time!), and we had a very nice chat, and the timing was perfect for me in terms of actually being able to just sit and talk. It was a comfortable, easy, and light-hearted conversation -- and while I feel nothing but warmth and goodness for him, I also didn't feel any real heartstrings, no real longings or "what ifs" - kwim? I think this is because there were 2 sides to him when I knew him -- part of him was this super-smart medical student, very responsible, etc -- and part of him was a guitar player in a rock band with long hair and a sense of adventure. I must also say -- he was also incredibly sweet, romantic, gentle, and was *soooo* good to me. He sent me flowers all the time (from a florist named "Flowers by Chuck" - I will never forget that, because I thought "chuck" was such a strange name for a florist); wrote me cards and love letters; spent hours on the phone talking to me; took me to romantic dinners in the city; and just charmed the socks off of me (I was gonna say "pants" but that's TMI, LOL). He was an amazing boyfriend; he taught me to expect to be treated well -- that I DESERVED to be treated well; and for that, I am very grateful (although I wonder if my DH is, LOL!).

Ultimately, however, I think I was more attracted to the "wild" side, and yet his "serious" side has definitely won out -- he's this big shot doctor in the city now, married to another big shot doctor, doing the apartment-on-the-upper-east-side-thing, etc. I think I would have swooned more if he told me his hair was still long, or if he didn't spend 5 minutes explaining to me in "medical-ise" what kind of work he did (while I stared idly at my cuticles). LOL Anyway, we wished each other well; and we exchanged quick updates on ourselves and people we knew (our families, old mutual friends, etc). He seemed really glad I called and promised to keep in touch. I'm glad I called; it was nice to connect with him. He was very sweet, and among other things, said I was unforgettable. I'm glad I reached out to him -- who knows, it might be months or years even before we touch base again, and that's okay. I just always want to know that he's okay, and happy and content. He's a really sweet, romantic guy, and he deserves happiness and many blessings.

2002-06-10T14:14:00.000-04:00

That was interesting. I just spent close to 30 minutes on hold (thank goodness for portable phones!) trying to leave a message for someone who *may* be an old boyfriend of mine from over 10 years ago. We had kept in touch sporadically through the years, but I haven't seen or heard from him since, oh, 1995? maybe (yes, I think that's right). Anyway, he is a doctor, and if I found the right guy, he's apparently now a very important doctor working for a major hospital/teaching center in NYC. I'm pretty sure it's him. Anyway, I've been thinking about him lately and wondering how he is, if he's happy, etc. I really wanted to tell him about my mom - they were very close. I just haven't had the time/energy/nerve/whatever to try and find him. But this a.m. I "googled" him and found this doctor's name and information that seemed like it could be him. I called his main department just to leave a message, but was put on hold for 20 minutes and then accidently hung up on me. Then I called the medical center's directory number, to see if there was maybe a direct line to him, but she only came up with the same # I had (and *she* got put on hold, too, when she tried to connect me). Finally, I reached a doctor's service # and left my name and number there. I just hope the message actually gets to him, and that if it does, he'll call me back. I'd love to hear from him. Not in a "oh, let's run away together and have a sorrid affair" kind of way (rolls eyes) -- just in a, "you were once a very important part of my life and I want to know that you are well" sort of way. There will always be a very special place in my heart for this man. He was kind, caring, sweet, and we were once so young and so in love with each other. That kind of love that grabs a hold of your soul and doesn't let go -- again, in a gentle, caring sort of way -- a sense of genuine concern and interest in his well being.

We met at the beach, during the first of those wild weekend trips I took the friends I blogged about this a.m. (that's why he's on my mind particularly today - I've been reminiscing big time the past couple of days). He was seeing my girlfriend's friend, who was with us on this trip, but who I had only just met. J. and I met and - WOW - I mean, we fell for each other right there and then. We spent the whole weekend slyly flirting with one another, even though he was supposedly there to see his girl (bad me! yes, I wound up stealing him away!). We had the best weekend, as friends, in our group, with our silly adventures. He gave everyone in the group his phone # -- we all *really* liked him, and wanted to hang out more with him (not just me, really, he was like the hit of the weekend all around with the whole gang). I made up an excuse to call him during the week after we returned, and we made "innocent" plans to get together as "friends" -- I think he met me and some of my friends from work for drinks or dinner or something like that. Before we knew it, it was a whirlwind, take-your-breath-away sort of romance. Like movie love. Really. I'm running out of time here to share any real details, but they were good times when we were together. Our eventual breakup was heartbreaking to me, although we remained good friends and did keep in touch for a while and it was always great to talk to him.

And so I hope he gets that message, and I hope he calls. So I can tell him that he's a great guy, and that I wish him well, and that he will always have a friend in me. And hey, if I ever wind up with some dermatology-related disease, at least I'll know I have a friend in the biz. ;-)

2002-06-10T10:18:00.000-04:00

A busy weekend, full of simple pleasures I hope I remember in years to come. On Saturday afternoon, we went to a birthday party for a friend's daughter. It was just a simple, casual party, in their backyard, on a gorgeous, warm (not hot) summer's day. These are friends I have known for years -- 15? years at least, I'd say. Long ago, when we first met, they were friends of my brother's when he had a part-time job working at McDonalds in highschool. Slowly, I transformed from the little sister that they accomodated and chatted with occasionally, to being a legitimate member of the "gang." We had some amazing times together in our "heyday." Weekend trips to the beach, where we stayed in crappy, crowded motel rooms and bar-hopped like crazy. Lot of parties at our homes, lots of different bars and clubs, lots of beer. ;-) Through the years, our friendships have endured the ebb and flow of the business of life. Sometimes we did not do a great job of staying in touch or seeing each other; other times we did. Now we all have kids of our own, and our parties now evolve around celebrating their birthdays and other milestones. It keeps us in touch, and for that I am deeply grateful.

We sat in the backyard, watching our kids play together, while the adults sat and talked, sipping our drinks. I remember, so many years ago, partying in this very same backyard (my friend bought the house from her parents, so in our wild days of youth, we would occasionally get together there for shin-dins when her folks were out of town). Somewhere, buried deep in my attic, I know I have pictures of us from one such party. It was such an amazing feeling to sit there, in that same backyard, with these same folks, sharing simple pleasures with them. To see our next generation of kids playing together so easily and so happily, while we were pretty much free to enjoy each other's company. Jackson was in an amazingly good-natured mood and wanted nothing more than to sit on the grass, with the warm sun on his face, playing with a ball. Elizabeth ran around the yard, laughing and calling to her friends, "Ronny, come play with me." Four hours came and went in the blink of an eye. We probably could have easily stayed another four if I had thought to bring pajamas and what-not for Jackson.

I am having a hard time finding the words to do justice to this moment, to bring to life the simple, quiet magjc I felt, surrounded by old friends who I've known my entire adult life. We have shared so much together, joys and sorrows, laughter and tears. They all knew and loved my mom. My parents house was the place to be back then -- they always opened their homes and their hearts to our friends, and I remember all the summer nights we spent together. My friend Bob, in particular -- my brother's close friend, and brother to the friend who had the party -- was like a second son to my mom. I remember seeing him at the funeral, and just losing it -- well, I had already lost it days early -- but somehow his grief was just so hard to bear. How we just hugged each other, and when I told him he was like a son to her, he said, "oh, I know, Lucia, I know. Don't get me started." And we both cried.

Damn -- do you think, just once, I can sit down and talk about the magic of these days and not unconsciously lapse into missing my mom? But she's such a part of my past, she's always present in these warm memories that I feel. I KNOW that's a blessing, I KNOW I'm so lucky that our time together was filled with such love, laughter and joy. But that just makes missing her all the more difficult. I SWEAR I wasn't even thinking of my mom when I sat down to write this -- I was just thinking of Bob and Lucy and Ron and all those trips to the shore, and then all those card parties at our house and the shots of wild turkey and how cool my mom was about our friends hanging out at our house.

Someday I will re-write this story; I will fill in all the details; I will share those crazy memories of our trips to the beach and staying out all night drinking and partying. Those were good times. Good times.

2002-06-06T23:03:00.000-04:00

Tonight I ran away from home....just for 1/2 hour, but still. It was a total impulse thing. It was after dinner, and I had just finished nursing Jax. I just had this really intense desire to go out. So I grabbed my coat and keys and away I went. It was raining hard, but I didn't care. I had no makeup on, and my hair looked like curly-hair would look on such a rainy day, especially when it hadn't seen a brush all day. But my desire to go was greater than vanity at that point. I drove to the bookstore, 5 minutes away. They didn't have either of the two books that I really wanted, so I bought myself a godiva chocolate bar and drove home. I came home to find my family all happily playing on the floor together, btw.

For those 30 minutes, though, I was alone with my thoughts. The first thing that popped into my head was - I want to be a writer. I want to write articles, and essays, and maybe even a book. Not stuffy academic stuff, such as I would be prone to do if I follow the Ph.D. path and do the history thing. But a writer. One who writes. This came as a shocking revelation to me, I really had no conscious idea that this longing was inside of me. But I just kept hearing this voice, over and over again in my head, while strolling the aisles in the bookstore. The voice also told me that I REALLY need to get off my fat ass and start doing a yoga class, too -- but mostly, it told me that I need to read more, I need to think more, I need to muse more, and that I need to WRITE. That there is a voice inside of me, with something to say, and that I need to find out just what that is.

I need a plan -- I still want to finish the damn dissertation, I think I need to for my own peace of mind. But maybe I can do both? Maybe I can carve out small chunks of time to write for ME -- well, that is, once I actually get around to carving out some sort of work/writing schedule in general. But you know what, the idea of writing -- as a writer -- acutally makes me WANT to come up with this schedule, it makes me want to get moving again. I'm hoping that one of the first steps is to blog more about this, to get all these thoughts out that are swimming around in my head.

My son is nearly 7 months old, and I think it's time. Time for me do something. At home, while he naps, or while his daddy and sister play with him. But still, it's time for me to find that voice and put pen to paper again.

2002-06-06T15:40:00.000-04:00

Julie, you'll be proud of me!
At last night's LLL monthly meeting, I took the chance, and exchanged phone #s with two women who were there who seemed nice and friendly -- one even lives right in my town :-) I was quite proud of myself...although now I just have to get up the nerve to actually CALL them and try and make plans. Maybe sometime next week? How do I do this without seeming too pushy, kwim??

Today I broke down and ordered a bathing suit from Lands End...I just couldn't bare the thought of going to a store and trying on suits, so I thought I'd start with one delivered to me, and see how it works out. I probably could have found one cheaper at the mall, but I'm trying to make this as painless as possible. My birthday is next week, so I'm counting it as one of my presents from hubby.

Speaking of birthdays, mine is a week from today. I'm having all these "let's re-evaluate my life and see how far off the mark I am from where I thought I'd be" introspections. I need to blog about them and get some feedback, but right now Eliz. keeps distracting me and I can't think straight.

2002-06-05T10:50:00.000-04:00

Well, last night I discovered the Lands End Virtual Model could be turned around so you could see how your butt looks in different suits. Triple ugh. I have to wonder if this shocking discovery is at the root of this morning's mysterious funk. I just feel rather "blah" and "off" this a.m. and can't get motivated to do anything.

I also can't really think of anything to blog about -- for the past few days, I've felt like I've had a case of blogger's writer's block -- or maybe, it's actually thinker's block. There's all these thoughts and ideas that I should be exploring in more depth (about school, etc) but it's like I can't force myself to deal with it in any real honest, deep level of introspection. I wonder what's holding me back? I feel like maybe I'm afraid to face some hidden truth within myself about my work and my career (or lack thereof). I'm at a really big crossroads, and I'm just standing around, feeling lost. It's hard to know how to move forward when I don't quite know in which direction I'd like to head.

And Jax is stirring and so all those thoughts will have to wait, yet again.

2002-06-04T15:07:00.000-04:00

Ugh. bathing suit shopping. It's so depressing. You know it's bad when even trying on swimsuits using the Lands' End virtual model is depressing the shit of you. I can't imagine how I'll feel if/when I decide to go to an actual store. Suddenly, it's no mystery where those extra 20-30 lbs are on my body -- they're in bathing suit country. Double ugh. Sigh.

2002-06-04T13:14:00.000-04:00

And here's Elizabeth, wearing her B's knees sling (it matches mine, btw):

2002-06-04T12:58:00.000-04:00

These are Jackson's 6 month pictures, taken about 3 weeks ago, already, I guess (where does the time go???) Enjoy!

The one with the black background didn't scan right, so the color is a bit "off".

2002-06-03T12:32:00.000-04:00

This morning I travelled to the trendy, upscale town nearby for a big sale at a trendy, upscale children's clothing boutique (notice how I used the word "trendy" twice for emphasis -- got that, it's trendy!!). I got there about 15 minutes before the store opened, and these women were already lined up half way down the block waiting for the store to open (notice how I say "these women" as if to distance myself from the fact that I was also insanely standing on the same line? :P). Anyway, it's kinda funny, most of the women who live and shop in this town are *truly* affluent. There are lots of transplanted Manhattan-ites who chose this trendy(!), tres expensive suburb to live in once they have kids. Their hubbies commute to the city, while they get to shop at the trendy boutiques and sip lattes at the coffee shops (not that's there's anything wrong with that, who am I kidding, I like lattes!). Then's there's me, who can *barely* afford the clothes now that they are all marked down 50%, but who *really* loves the brands they carry (Fresh Produce, Flap Happy, Mulberry Bush, Sweet Potatoes, etc) and so I splurge a little. (And yet curiously, online, I'm usually put in the "affluent" category -- I think it's all a matter of perspective/degree/location -- because in this town I am anything but affluent, I'm just a poser from another nearby town pretending I can afford to shop at this store even when they don't mark the clothes down 50% But that's another story, for another time).

Waiting on line (as opposed to online, LOL), I got lots of compliments on my B's knees sling. (Note to self: I *really* need some business cards from B, because everywhere I go people fall in love with this sling). I gave sling tips to a few women, compared the sling to the Baby Bjorn -- which is *the* baby carrier in town -- I swear to you every other baby who was there was in a BB (although many women just left their babies/kids at home b/c the place is a MADHOUSE). I was like "sling woman" and I revelled in my celebrity status. :P Jackson was his usual adorable, friendly, social self, and so now I bet all these women are wondering if ALL babies in slings will be as content and happy as he was this a.m. (hey, if it causes a sling revolution, I'm all for it!).

Then the doors open -- and picture the most stereotypical, mad frenzy dash for racks that you can imagine. That's what this place is like. Seriously. I am not exaggerating at all. I blindly grab a bunch of clothes in Elizabeth's size (criteria: are they pink? okay then) and then elbow and squeeze my way through to the baby section. There I meet a big tall man -- strange to see in this place, at this time. I smile and say, "you are very brave to come here among this cackle of women shoppers." He laughed and said, "tell me about it. my wife had to work today and so she forced me to come here. I'm just standing here trying not to make eye contact with anyone. I'm a little scared." LOL It was a cute moment. I then stood on the monstrously long line and weeded through my picks, deciding which couple of outfits I would buy and which I would put back, because even at 50% off I'm still on a budget, kwim? Most of the women are friendly and we have some nice chit-chats while wating to pay, but damn the whole event is such a scene, it's almost surreal. I couldn't wait to get out of there.

But you know, every time I go there I have nice chats with at least one woman who seems very AP-friendly and think that if I could only get to know some of these women better, I might really hit it off with them. But I don't know how to make that happen, because I don't actually live in this town, and don't know where one would go (besides to this crazy twice a year sale) to meet the AP-friendly women. Last year while pregnant with Jax, for example, I met a woman who also had a homebirth (this is like super BIG news around here). Today I met a woman who was admiring the sling and in the context of our conversation said, "you're nursing, right? me too" and I think she had already said her baby was close to a year old (and that is also like super BIG news around here). I wish I had better social skills, a way to move from polite chit-chat to "hmmm..it would be really cool to hang out with an AP-like mom" (if my instincts are right, that is?). But alas, I don't know how to make that leap, especially not without sounding like some "I'm so desparate for friends that I'll approach total strangers and ask them to hang out with me -- oh, yeah, and that's after I traveled to another town just to shop in their trendy boutique while there's a big sale" mode. Any suggestions??

Lack of social skills notwithstanding, I'm in a cheerful mood today. I hope it lasts.

2002-06-02T22:41:00.000-04:00

This was a nice weekend. Today we went to my nieces' dance recital (rolls eyes at the overall, long, drawn-out production but they had fun and what's an aunt to do but to sit there and enjoy it) and then back to my sister's for a casual family bbq. My sister's friend (and ex-neighbors) came by for a bit, with their BIL and SIL2B (who are now, btw, my sister's new neighbors -- they bought the townhouse from them, are you following that?) Anyway, I had a great long chat with Jen about balancing work and family, about career goals, etc. It was really nice to sit there in person and talk to someone about the very things I was just blogging about the other day. I'll have to write more on this later. It was a really cool conversation, and it was informative to talk to someone face-to-face who could understand and appreciate some of the issues weighing heavily on my mind these days. And Jen is so cool -- I love that we are becoming real friends as well -- she's no longer just my sister's neighbor, I really feel like she's my friend, too, and I hope we get to spend more time together. She, her hubby and son are good folk.

Jax was the life of the party -- this kid is just so social. He just sat there smiling and giggling at everyone in sight. Jen and her SIL were just so in love with him, and he was loving it. He's also so ready to crawl -- he's doing the backwards scoot thing these days and all day, he looked like he was so ready to just take off. It won't be long now!

I also got to chat some with her SIL-to-be, who is this sweet young single woman who is living the life -- last night she and her guy were out clubbing in the city until 5 a.m. I sighed thinking how free and adventurous her life sounds -- and my hubby just said she's probably sitting at home now wishing she was married and doing the kid thing (and it's true, we've talked about this, how she's ready but her guy isn't quite there yet). I remember being 25 - I remember those carefree days and nights. I remember sleeping till 10 a.m. on Sunday mornings, then having a leisurely breakfast with J., reading the NY Times, making love, and taking a nap until the mid-afternoon. Those days were good. These days are good, too, but so different. This a.m. I was up at 5 a.m. to nurse Jax, slept "IN" until 8:00 a.m. when he woke up again and wanted to nurse again. Tried to sleep in a little longer while J. entertained Jax, but then Eliz. woke up and climbed into bed with me to snuggle and play, and then Jax came up to play with her and so the day began. We did eat a yummy frittata for brunch today but then it was off to the dance recital, instead of back to bed for a leisurely nap. Goodness, how pathetic it is that I keep thinking of the leisurely nap as the highlight of those days past? LOL

2002-05-30T19:21:00.000-04:00

Things that are kind of sucky about today:
- my poor sweet babe is sick today (for the first time in his young life)
- I got my period back (this makes me sad, I thought it would be months still)
- I think I am getting sick, and I feel kinda 'blah' and sore and really tired
- The efforts to keep the house clean are starting to fail already. but I'm hopeful I can still get a routine going (maybe).

Things that are really great about today:
- watching Elizabeth's curls bounce and swing in the wind while she ran around outside
- getting to play outside with her while Jax finally took a long nap
- chatting with Niri (as I type this and nak, actually - I'm the queen of multi-tasking!)
- getting a GREAT deal on our hotel for Disney this fall - my sister's SIL told me about a promo, and I was able to call today and re-book our reservation, and saved $300 in the process! Woo-frigging-hoo!
- having a cute little email conversation with my friend today while hanging out in the attic with my sweet family.

That's all for now. Big thoughtful conversations about my career will have to wait until Jax and I are both feeling a bit better.

2002-05-29T09:54:00.000-04:00

So I really need to decide what to do about my dissertation, and then any future teaching/career plans that I might have buried somewhere deep inside of me. Part of the trouble is that I no longer know what I want to be when I grow up ;-) There are two big issues on my mind today: one is that I have taken a leave from my studies, and have to decide when and how to return to them (I'll get to this later); and the other, is trying to decide what I want to do WITH the fruits of my labor, if and when I DO finally get around to completing my degree.

When I started work on the dissertation, I will quite confident that I would be most happy with some prestiguous job as a full-time tenured professor at some elite research university or small liberal arts college, where I would have plenty of time/support to research and write my own books, in addition to teaching courses for undergraduates and graduate students. But I don't think I'm cut out for that kind of academic rigor anymore -- in part, because I have totally derailed my chances for academic "success" by taking time off in the middle of my PhD program (suddenly I know there are folks who think of me as flaky and less "serious" or "committed" to my work, or how have changed their opinons of me). And also in part, because I no longer WANT to work full-time. At least for the next several years (after I do decide to return to WOH, that is -- and that's a whole 'nother issue - more on *this* later too), I'd rather just work part-time, teaching a few courses here and there, or working as an independent scholar on random grant/fellowship projects, or working as a consultant or contributor to curriculum programs, or involved in public policy/advocacy/activism work for women's studies/issues. That is, I can imagine lots of "alternatives" to a traditional academic job, and I can see that I would be very fulfilled engaged in various types of work. Trouble is, I don't know that I could successfuly START any one of those part-time things unless I have the PhD in hand, which will give me at least some "credentials" or academic standing which will open the door for those sort of non-traditional, flexible-scheduling kind of jobs.

So that leads me back to the damn dissertation -- I NEED to finish it. In part, because I am SO close to finishing it, and I WANT/NEED/CRAVE the satisfaction that will come from seeing years of hard work to their completion. In part, because I need the "credentials" it will provide to open up alternative career doors for me. In part, because I made a commitment to finish it, and that means a great deal to me. I accepted certain fellowships and research awards based on the idea that I was writing a dissertation, and I would feel like a complete heel if I didn't deliver the finished product at the end, kwim?

BUT -- I don't know that I am drawn to my work in the same way that I once was. Ever since I made the conscious decision to take a break from my work (more on this later too -- because despite my long months of non-productivity, it was really only quite recentlythat I made this decision -- until then, I was under the illusion that any day, I would start writing again) -- anyway, I have been wondering about my topic and whether it "speaks" to me in the same way it once did. But this has to wait -- Jax is awake.

2002-05-28T19:10:00.000-04:00

I'm trapped under a sleeping nakking baby. I am SO thirsty but I know if I try to get up, he'll wake up. DH and DD are at softball game (Jax & I stayed home b/c it looks like rain) and I have a feeling they'll be right back home again soon, but not soon enough to get me some water.

I am so tired that I am punchy today. I have just been giggling like crazy every time Eliz. and I do something together -- blow bubbles, teach Jax how to "play ball," whatever. She thinks it's great, having such a giggly mommy. I'm also dancing and singing alot -- anything to try and get some energy flowing through my veins again. I should do this more often - she's having a blast, and it certainly has made the day very enjoyable for all of us (even sleepy me!).

Oh, and here's a confession in case anyone wants blog fodder on me: Today when I picked Eliz. up from preschool, she and her friends were pretending to be kitty-cats. When we came home, she remained a kitty, and asked for a drink of water. I got her a blass, but she wanted it in a bowl, and so I put a dish of water on the kitchen floor for her, along with some 'kitty" snacks. It was all her idea, in fact I gently tried to dissuade her, but she thought it was cute. So there you have it.

He's awake! Water! Water! Water! Here I come!

2002-05-28T14:42:00.000-04:00

I am feeling tired and drained today. I did not sleep at all last night, Jax was very restless and kept kicking me in his sleep. I finally got to sleep at 5:30 a.m., only when I had Jack take him out of the bed (after nursing), and sleep with him in the attic. I got to sleep until 8:30 a.m. But three hours sleep just ain't cutting it for me today, and so I am pretty much just trying to coast through the day and do as little as possible. My hubby has a softball game tonight, and I told him I would go, but truth be told, I don't think I'm up for it. The idea of being social with a bunch of people I don't really know all that well just isn't something I think I'm up for today, not when I'm this exhausted and just barely able to go about my day. Maybe it will be a nice, refreshing diversion? I'm still trying to decide what to do.

We had such a lovely day yesterday. We invited a few friends over for a last minute BBQ. The weather was perfect, and we spent the entire day outside sitting, chatting, and eating. Jax was the center of attention, and spent most of the day cuddling with our friends (who are currently trying to decide whether and when to TTC #2 -- I think they got a bit of babylust after hanging out with my sweet, friendly babe). The kids played great with each other, and enjoyed the beautiful weather, too (although they did decide at one point to hang out inside for a little while, playing with Elizabeth's dress-up stuff). I wish we could do this more often -- it was such a great social experience, and it was great to feel connected and close to friends, in an easy, comfortable, relaxing, non-stressful environment.

An added bonus: we had really cleaned the entire house in preparation for the event, and it pretty much stayed clean because we were outside all day. The only things that need addressing today: the floor in Elizabeth's room needs to be vacummed again (from the kid traffic) and the kitchen is cluttered (clean dishes to be put away, AND I *still* need to find a solution to my mail/catalogs/magazine clutter, it is basically *invading* my kitchen and taking up too much counter space and making everything look messy and cluttered as a result). Inspired by my clean and fresh house, I am determined to come up with some sort of routine so that we can keep the place neat and tidy again. We had really slacked off the past few weeks, but I figure this clean house is like a clean slate, a chance to start fresh and stick to some sort of routine that keeps us on top of our housekeeping. I'll start tomorrow, when I'm not so damn exhausted (famous last words, huh?) ;-)

2002-05-28T13:50:00.000-04:00

I've made a decision. When I started this blog, I intended it to be a place for me to practice writing and thinking and musing, a place to write insightful and thoughtful entries about whatever was on my mind. I *never* intended it to be a soapbox for talking about on-line drama, and I regret that I have used it for that purpose over the past week or so I am no longer going to use this space as a way to vent my frustrations about other people's misperceptions and yes, at times, meanspiritedness about online happenings.. I am still open to conversations with *anyone* who wants to hear my opinions/thoughts/etc. on recent events. Drop me a line at muse2clio@motherspirit.net and I'll gladly talk to anyone who wants to clear the air, or hear my interpretation of things, or to anyone who just wants to tell me I'm fabulous :-)

But for now, I'm gonna get back to the original purpose of this blog -- musing about mothering, feminism, attachment parenting; talking about my life, my family, my thoughts, my dreams, my aspirations; and especially, about figuring out what to do about my long-neglected dissertation. I figure it may not make for as interesting reading, and it may not get lots of folks visiting here, but I have to be true to myself and write what matters to ME.

I can no longer be a part of trying to be a "player" in this drama. I'm too opinionated to just play follow the leader and I've decided I'd rather be true to my own principles instead of "popular". And I certainly don't have the energy it takes to be negative, insulting, and mean-spirited just to try and prove my points to those of you who find ranting and name-calling to be an effective means of communication.

But one final comment: for those who don't know her, Gen is an amazing woman. She is smart, has a great wit, and has written some of the most insightful, engaging, inspiring, and thoughtful words I have ever had the privilege to read. She is wise and perceptive and very sharp. I heart her.

2002-05-27T21:19:00.000-04:00

I just want to talk briefly about private forums. In a way, these discussions about private forums remind me of the recent discussion at yaaps about responsible drinking/drug use. In that thread, it was revealed that if all you've ever known are people who are irresponsible druggies and drunks, well then, yeah, it's hard for you to imagine that there are people who drink responsibility and who occasionally light up (or burn down, lol) without becoming total stoners. I guess it's understandable: If all you've ever known/seen are the negative aspects of something, it's hard to imagine a responsible, fun-loving alternative.

That's kind of how I think about this private forum stuff. At MS, we have never had to pledge our allegiance or respond to threads promising never to share private information; we are not responsible for keeping anyone's dark secrets (do we even have any? LOL); we don't use our forums to back-stab and gossip about our "friends" (or our enemies, for that matter, really). But from what I can tell (from the personal ancedotes/evidence provided by its former members), the private forums at AMU were marked by paranoia, gossip, rage, etc. If that's all I knew about private forums, yeah, well I could understand how one could be suspect as to whether or not they "work." Hell, if the purpose of private forums were to provide ever-deeper layers of hierarchy and "inner" access, with random and inconsistent parameters for who can become "popular" enough to gain access, I can see how that in and of itself lends itself to failure. And sorry, but if the whole site was run by a couple of control freaks with paranoid tendencies, well, there's a whole 'nother aspect that screams "dysfunctional" - kwim??

But that's not MS. MS is really just a small group of like-minded individuals sitting around chatting about our days and our lives. To me, it's not much different than the conversations I've been enjoying all weekend with my "real-life" friends at various social events. I'd hardly call anything we've talked about around the table this weekend to be front-page headlines; they are "private" conversations in that they only pertain to the lives of the people sitting around that table (or in that metaphorical online house) -- they are not "secret" conversations -- intimate and personal, yes; secret? -- no. There are no blood oathes involved; no "you will be kicked out of the house if you dare to associate with these known grave security risks folks at the den of vipers"; no anything that even remotely resembles what I'm reading about AMU. In fact, I'm truly sorry that those of you involved had to endure that kind of negative energy -- no wonder you are feeling a bit shell-shocked and un-objective about the nature of private forums. Can't say I blame you one bit, if you are basing your feelings on what you experienced at AMU.

You know what else? I can remember the exact number of times I have used the words "can you keep a secret" within the private walls of MS -- 1. When I announced my pregnancy, I hadn't yet told my family/real-life friends, and so I didn't want the information "public" until I told them. Yup, that was only dark secret that I ever asked anyone to keep. Guess what? The information leaked out eventually, huh? LOL

I have belonged to a couple of other private boards. In each case, the boards were about a small number of people (spin-offs from larger parenting communities) who wanted a quieter place to talk -- a place where could freely talk about where we live; about sensitive career or relationship issues; etc. Really wonderful, supportive, great places, where I have felt a true sense of community and support. On every board, there have been some serious disagreements and hot debates, but we've gotten through them and have usually learned something very valuable from the experiences. I guess I have been lucky in this respect, huh?

So, before you decide to judge all private forums with the same broad brush as you are using to judge the old AMU, I can tell you that the experiences I have had with private boards that have been positive, enjoyable, and healthy. Call me delusional and brainwashed if you will, but I am confident about my own experiences.

2002-05-26T22:53:00.000-04:00

I am torn. The historian/debater in me wants to launch into this point-by-point presentation of evidence, arguments, theories, ideas, and provide my interpretations about what has been happening lately. When I see incomplete/skewed versions of events floating around, I *really* want to offer additional information or counter-interpretations -- I want to educate and inform people, I want to make people stop to consider things in a way that maybe they haven't previously done. Part of it is because of a sense of righteousness (perhaps self-righteousness?); part of it is because I can't stand injustice; part of it is because I feel a responsibility towards truth.

And I know, if I chose to, that I could hold my own in some serious debates. I know I could be analytical, logical, sarcastic, biting, caustic, incredulous, stinging, etc. -- whatever it took to get my points across. Heck, I could be downright snide and nasty if I wanted to (I have been in the past, I probably will be again).

But you know what? Some of my most amazing personal growth and transformation has occured when I have been willing to listen to people/ideas/opinons that I had pretty much decided I would not change my mind about. That ability -- to say, "gee, I never thought it that way" -- has been amazing for me.
.
I also know that when I am so determined that I am right, that it closes my mind to understanding, knowledge, and growth. When I cling to the idea of being right over the idea of being open-minded, respectful, or understanding, I feel that I cut myself off from opportunities and growth and wisdom and empowerment.

I also know that I want peace and a sense of harmony in my life. That's the part of me that is reluctant to have that point-by-point appear on this blog. That's the part that says, "let it go. just let it go. it is not my responsibility." That's the part of me that just wants to live my truth, in the hopes that by quiet example, I might educate and inspire others.

But damn, that takes alot of faith. To trust that people will eventually see the truth for what it is, and that they will realize who is sincere and who is spinning things. That they will figure out for themselves whose intentions are honorable, and whose are questionable. That people will be able to discern from those who are willing to admit their mistakes, learn and grow from them, and move forward, and those who seem more interested in focusing on the mistakes that other people make.

I am living my truth. I am honest, I am open, I am willing to listen to anyone who comes to me with good intentions. I am willing to engae anyone in thoughtful discussion who is interested in hearing what I have to say. I am willing to talk to anyone who is interested in respectful and honorable discussion.

I hope to remain on good terms with everyone involved in this latest drama. I may disagree very strenuously with what some of you believe, and with how some of you chose to present yourselves, but I hope that we can agree to disagree, and see if we can move forward and past this. I am here if anyone wants to talk or clarify things. Email me, icq me, comment here.

2002-05-25T23:26:00.000-04:00

What a great but exhausting day. We were out ALL day and evening, at back-to-back social events. Got to see lots of neat folks, had lots of fun, but now I'm *tired*! I have to admit, it was also nice to be away from this box and to just be in the world, away from all this drama.

For those of you on the edges of your seats, wondering what I wore (LOL). Well, we went to the store this a.m. (to buy a baby gift for someone we realized we'd be seeing at one of the events) and on my hubby's suggestion/insistence, I bought myself a new skirt. It's beautiful -- long, flowing, this nice mix of deep pinks and purples in a swirly pattern -- and, it was comfy and fit nicely and was just lovely. Now, for my hubby to actually suggest that I *buy* something for *me* (you know, instead of me justifying my purchases as retail therapy) -- well that's like snow in July -- so I wasn't about to let this amazing opportunity pass me by. LOL! (Methinks he feels guilty about the skirt that he failed to order on time fiasco, but who I am to argue with/deny my hubby's generosity!).

On all other matters, I am being deliberately silent, until I can find a productive way to voice my feelings/opinions.

2002-05-24T23:32:00.000-04:00

In other news.....we have a party (a baby welcoming ceremony) to go to tomorrow, and I don't know what to wear. I don't really have anything "nice" that fits me. I have a couple of nice dresses from 2 summers ago, but they are not nursing friendly *at all* and so that's out (and honestly, I'm not even sure my big boobs would still fit in them these days). I have one new nursing dress but I don't know if the style is appropriate for a daytime party (I bought it for another event coming up this summer). I have one skirt I like, but it's kind of casual, and I don't really know what the dress code is.

Now THIS is drama, huh?! What the hell am I gonna wear folks? I am kicking myself for not ordering this beautiful skirt that I saw in a catalog last month, because that would have been perfect. But silly me, I thought hubby would have taken the hint of it sitting on the kitchen table for two weeks straight with the size and color I wanted, and ordered it for me for mother's day. And now he informs me that he *tried* ordering it the other day for my birthday (next month) but it is backordered/not available. Grrrrr.

Oh, R., it's for Dave's baby, he's in town for the event. I'll be sure to tell him you said hi!

2002-05-24T23:07:00.000-04:00

I have hesitated whether or not to say anything about the latest round in this drama. A big part of me just wants to let it go, and to not let it consume any more of my energy. A big part of me keeps wanting to explain what I see, to try and bring some understanding and explanation to recent events, based on my own perceptions. Call it a over-inflated ego or whatever, but I actually think I have had something useful to contribute to the conversations of the past few days, and I feel that I have done so in a manner that is respectful and honest and with good intentions. And yet, I have not always felt heard, I have not always felt understand, and I have not always felt that some people were open to what I had to say. Actually, I think that's the crux of my mixed feelings. Based on this feeling of being misunderstood/unheard, do I: a) decide to try again and again until I do feel understood and heard; or b) do I just step away because at the moment it is causing me frustration and sadness to feel like my efforts are not being appreciated/understood/whatever.

As for my dear friend who is being called names and having her character questioned, I think I am going to remain silent on this issue, because I think that's what she would want (but I haven't asked her directly). I'm going to let her words speak for themselves, and I am just going to say that I feel that her heart is pure. Read for yourself, with an open heart, and decide for yourself.

To anyone who is hurting, I wish you peace and understanding.

To those of you on the "other side" of this mess (although I have never thought of it in terms of "sides" -- I have not thought of this as an "us vs them" thing, well, okay, very recently I have begun to wonder some things) -- I truly have enjoyed getting to know you as individuals -as Lisa, Rhonda, KWK. I have listened with an open heart. I have rethought my past ideas about your actions and intentions. But now I am hurt and confused, and I have some questions and doubts and concerns about your motivations. I am sorry to feel this way, and I hope to address them with you directly, but right now, I'm feeling like I need time to think. I hope you understand this; I hope you don't think of this as an attack in any way; and I hope we can come to some mutual understanding. I am sad as I write this; not angry; just sad.

2002-05-23T21:34:00.000-04:00

I won't be around much the next few days. We have a busy weekend planned - playdate tomorrow, baby welcoming party for a friend on Saturday, having a couple of friends over one day, etc. And somewhere in there we have to get the whole house cleaned, since our efforts to implement some sort of schedule/routine have failed miserably the past couple of weeks.

I think it's a good thing -- I need a bit of space from the online world. I found myself irritable and moody today, and I *know* it's because of what's going on in this cyber-world. I don't like that, although I guess it's to be expected, because you have to take the bad with the good. I am reminding myself of all the GOOD I've also received on line -- the friendships, the support, the encouragement, the inspiration, the great ideas and examples of attachment- and positive-parenting, etc. And so I hope that next week I can get back to taking (and giving) that stuff from my online relationships/communities, and leave the more hurtful/painful stuff behind.

To all who are hurting, I am sorry. To all who feel vulnerable and/or confused by recent events, I'm right there with you.

There are couple of things I might say in the way of trying to clarify my take on things lately, but I'm still sitting on my hands for now, at least until I feel like there's a productive and positve way for me to be heard.

2002-05-22T21:51:00.000-04:00

I am so drained and so spent by the online events of the past couple of days. Emotions are running high, and feelings are hurt everywhere, and damn, it's exhausting. It is particularly frustrating for me when I feel as if I am not being heard -- In most cases, I try to present myself in a respectful and fair manner, and I only hope that people in turn with respect that and try to understand/apppreciate what I have to say. When I feel that I am not being heard, or that people are only focusing on the parts of my posts that they wish to finely dissect/disagree with (and in the process seemingly losing sight of my larger message/intent), well, like I said, it frustrates me. It saddens me. It makes me feel -- I don't know??? -- unimportant, misunderstood, devalidated -- all sorts of things that I don't like to feel.

When I speak, it's not as some official ambassador from MS, it's just as ME. But let me tell you, I am proud to be a member of MS. I am proud to call that place my home, and I *treasure* the friendships I have made there. These women were there for me when I needed them most. They supported me through my pregnancy, they helped me find my courage to HBAC, they helped me heal through my regrets and mistakes as a parent. But most of all, they filled my heart with love and compassion during my darkest hour. I shared so many tears with them when my mom died, and I could feel the LOVE and warmth and energy radiating from that house. At a time when I could not face most of the world, I had the sanctity of that place to turn to and expose the raw pain and anguish of my grief. I can't tell you what that meant to me then, what it means to be now, and I'm not sure I ever even adequately expressed to all of them just how deeply I appreciated and needed that support/love (heck, who am I kidding, I still need it, but I know I am stronger now because I can also blog about my grief, that is a big thing for me and very healing). I hope those of you reading this now can sense how much your caring has meant to me, and still does. Smooches.

Damn -- where did all that come from? See that's the beauty of blogging, you never know where one door will lead to.

So yeah, maybe I do have some loyalty to those women, but believe me when I say that it is well-earned and well-deserved.

2002-05-21T14:56:00.000-04:00

{big cleansing breathe.....and exhale} this is me letting go....I think I need to just let it go. I feel terrible about how the thing at yaaps is playing out (and for many reasons, for me it's not about taking sides, because I like and care about people who are disagreeing with each other in this thread). I just feel.....oh nevermind, I am LETTING GO.

Speaking of letting go, I am thinking of some ceremony/ritual for letting go of my friend-who-does-not-call-or-email. This friendship means the world to me, it is truly *sacred* to me. It has been such an incredible blessing in my life for so many years now, but I have to realize that it's simply not there right now in the same way it once existed. I am truly and deeply mourning that loss, because I do feel like this could/should be a life long friendship, filled with life lessons and blessings yet to come. But I can only do so much -- I can't carry the entire weight of the friendship on my shoulders any more. And so I have to let go, at least for now, and instead give that energy to friends who are in my life NOW and who care about me NOW and work on building stronger ties with them. I honestly hope that someday, be it months or years from now, that our paths do cross again and that our friendship is renewed. And I know that if that moment were to come, I would welcome it with open arms and a forgiving heart. But for now, I have to let go. There's a lesson in all this, I know that -- Indeed, one of the many things that this friend taught me is that there is a lesson and a blessing in every event, no matter how dark the moment may appear when it's happening. I can't see the lesson yet, but I am letting go and taking the chance that this is for the best.

But damn, I am SO sad. I need a hug, and some chocolate.

.

2002-05-21T13:45:00.000-04:00

test.

2002-05-20T19:38:00.000-04:00

I had a terrific phone conversation today with one of my closest friends. She lives in Tennessee, so we only get to see each other once or twice a year. I wish we didn't live so far apart, because I consider her to be one of my closest, most treasured friends. We are so close that I asked her to be Jackson's godmother, and she was honored and thrilled to accept. I truly wish we could be part of each other's lives on a regular basis, instead of having to plan special trips to see each other. We will be visiting them in August, and I CANT wait to see them -- it's been a year since our last visit together. We were supposed to meet up in NYC last fall, but she cancelled the trip since it was right after 9-11 occured and she didn't feel safe flying into NYC then (and while I was terribly disappointed and heartbroken, I totally understood).

Anyway, we had such a wonderful conversation, it was SO great to hear her voice and connect with her. We tend to do most of our communication through email, but we really need to talk more on the phone -- it was just so enjoyable to me. I have been in a good mood all day as a result.

I just feel so connected and so close to her. I truly feel as if we were destined to meet. We met first as colleagues -- we were both separately working on the same research project (without knowing it at the time). She submitted her work to a publisher, and one of the readers they chose to evaluate the work just happened to have met me at a conference and knew I was working on the same journal. We were put in touch with each other, and felt an instant rapport. What could have been an awkard or competitive situation (us both working on the same stuff) instead became the basis for a collaborative project, which in turn has blossomed into a beautiful and amazing friendship. Both of us agreed that the journal we were working on was very special, and what mattered most was that it was published, because it is/was an important historical document. Our own egos or sense of "ownership" of the project did not factor into the equation -- we both felt that the journal belonged to the amazing young woman who wrote it in 1810, not to either of us. So we pooled our collective resources/talents and decided to complement each other (she majored in English; me in History). We each had different and important strengths to bring to the project, and that together, we had the best chance of capturing/presenting the original author's "voice."

It was a long, hard road to publication, with several delays due to the circumstances of life (our "real" work, our families, our health, my pregnancy, etc all getting in the way of deadlines). But we finally got the entire manuscript submitted and revised and revised again, and then copy-edited and copy-edited again and it was finally published in 2000? I think. That was amazing, but honestly, what's more amazing than the publication is the amazing friendship that has developed between us. I consider it to be one of the greatest blessings in my life.

If anyone wants more details about the research project, I'll be happy to share them - I just don't want to bore anyone (I realize that not everyone else is as interested in early 19th-century women's history as I am!). Well, Elizabeth has been very patient while I write this, but it's also been at the expense of the neatness of my study, so it's time to go!

And this IS a better entry than letting myself get caught up in the latest online drama, dontchathink? At least it is, for my state of mind :-)

2002-05-20T10:12:00.000-04:00

Finally getting a chance to update my blog -- busy, busy, busy. On Thursday afternoon, we all traveled to visit my hair stylist, where I got my hair trimmed and highlighted/glazed. The color is like a deep plum/burgundy shade -- but it is actually *very* subtle, barely noticeable to me (although hubby and sister tell me it looks cool) -- I was so busy telling Fawn what I didn't want (namely, to have the bright hot pink hair of someone else who happened to be in the salon at the time) that I wound up downplaying the kind of funky color I actually wanted. Now, it does look good, but next time I want it to have more "spunk" in it, kwim? I'll try to get a picture up this week if I can. The kids were great the entire visit, and Jack won super kudos for his willingness to entertain Jax for 2 hours while I got my hair done (Elizabeth was mesmerized by everything Fawn did so she just sat near me the entire time pretending to be a hair stylist, and then had her day made when Fawn pulled out some sparkly hairspray for her). Jax was in a great mood - he was so happy the entire time, including when Jack took him for a long walk to pass some time (it was a beautiful spring day).

Then on Saturday I had an appointment for a pedicure at Spa Nordstrom. The original plan was for us all to go together and Jack would hang out with the kids in the mall in case Jax needed to nurse. But Jax fell asleep 5 minutes before it was time to leave, and it was a cold, dampy, dreary, rainy day, so they decided to stay home instead and I went ALONE. ALONE to be pampered! I quickly shed any guilt associated with this and just RELAXED and ENJOYED it ;-) It was a fabulous experience. I was gone about 1 1/2 hour total (including travel time). Jax slept for nearly an hour of that time, and then played happily on the floor with Elizabeth until I got home. I found everyone giggling together in her room when I came home. He was totally fine with it -- in fact, I'm not even sure he realized that I wasn't just hanging out in another room for that 1/2 hour. I have still have some money left on my gift certificate, so guess what I'll be doing again next month? :-)

Let's see...what else? Spent the day/evening at my sister's house on Saturday. We went out to dinner, just for fun, that was nice. While there, Jax had his first taste of sweet potatoes, which he seemed to enjoy, but he also seemed to enjoy eating the little plastic cup I had with me to entertain him, kwim? He just looked so cute there at the table, sitting in his high chair (well, he did sit in it for 15 minutes, then we all played passed the baby, and then he fell asleep in his daddy's arms). Yesterday we went to a street fair in our town, which Elizabeth really enjoyed. We ate zepiolis there (dont' know if I'm spelling it right). They are an Italian treat -- balls of dough that are deep-fried and covered in powdered sugar -- they are SO bad for you, but SO, SO delicious, and they remind me so much of my childhood, when we used to go to festivals and feast on them. I can't describe just how sinfully delicious these things are -- my mouth is drooling just thinking about it. It had been years since I had one, and now I'll be looking for an excuse to eat them again somewhere soon.

We also took a trip to Trader Joe's, where Elizabeth had a blast pushing her own kid-size cart and filling it with groceries, while Jax sat in the regular sized grocery cart and giggled the entire time. Oh, and then we hung outside for a while while Jack mowed the lawn, Elizabeth and I wearing our matching Bee's Knees slings walking around the neighborhood. Too cute - wish I had my camera with me ;-)

What else? Oh, it's been 2 weeks and my friend still hasn't called me back, so I guess he's not going to (whether that's by design or circumstance, I can't tell). I need to find a way to make peace with this, but that's a whole 'nother entry, and my time here is up.

2002-05-16T14:50:00.000-04:00

Ah, I went out to lunch today with my dad and my kiddies. Can I just say that my kids behaved themselves better than my dad did? I truly love him, but sometimes it is so frustrating and trying to be around him; he has these very annoying passive-aggressive tendencies (like when asked how his burger was, he said, "well I thought there'd be more mushrooms....I guess this is just how you make it though, without a lot of mushrooms. That's okay, though, I guess."....~insert picture of me rolling my eyes here~). But Elizabeth was happy and Jackson was giggling and wiggling the whole time and the food was yummy, and I feel like a dutiful daughter, so it's all good. I just need to learn to stay mindful of my father's behavior -- he's never going to change, and so I can't let it get to me, I just have to let go of these moments when he's annoying me. I do love him, and it's very important to me that he gets to spend lots of time with his grandchildren. I just wish my mom were around to kick him under the table when ever he says something inappropriate, or to tell him to shut up in this cute little French phrase she made up as a "code" for him. ;-) Just one more reason to miss her -- she was a great 'buffer' between me and my dad.

Last night I got to scrapbook for an hour in the attic after Jax went to bed while Jack put Eliz. to bed. It felt *fantastic*. I could feel the creativity and energy running through my veins again. I think some of the ideas we came up with yesterday are really going to be useful/helpful to me in terms of carving out bits of time for myself every day. I'm feeling optimistic. Oh, and last night, before bed, I made sure to thank J. for his understanding and kindness, and to tell him how much I appreciate him. And he said something really insightful and revealing. He said that he's noticed that I am really not good at asking for help and taking time for myself, so he's going to try and *give* me time/help instead of waiting for me to ask for it (because, as yesterday's entry reveals, I tend to wait until things are *really* stressed out before *asking* and then I create even more stress). I thought about what he said, and I realized just how right he is. I remember, for example, when my mom died and lots of people asked me to call them, etc, if they could help out. I never took anyone up on their offers, even though I sure as hell could have used the help. I am just NOT good at asking for help, I hate feeling like I am intruding/inconveniencing anyone. The only offers I took were the very straight-forward specific ones, like when someone would call and say, "I can watch Elizabeth for a couple of hours tomorrow" or "I am bringing you some dinner - how does pasta sound?" These offers were so specific and so on target that it was easy to accept them. The more vague offers of help -- as sincere as they were, and I *know* people truly wanted to help -- I just couldn't think of ways of asking for help without feeling awkward.

It's a really good thing to know about my personality -- and it seems so obvious, I'm wondering why I didn't consciously realize it sooner. Real food for thought.

Gotta get ready to go -- J. will be home soon and we are going to get my hair cut. Yeah!

2002-05-15T23:12:00.000-04:00

Which Sex and the City Player Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

2002-05-15T18:30:00.000-04:00

I have been feeling these strange undercurrents of discontent the past few days. I thought it was just a by-product of not getting enough sleep, but there's more to it than that. On Monday night, for example, I threw a mini-temper tantrum because my hubby accidently forgot to refrigerate a piece of left-over cheesecake, thus rendering it inedible (at least by my picky standards). In a fit of melodrama, I believe I actually said something like, "all I wanted was to be able to sit down and relax with my cheesecake - now I have nothing (sob, sob)." Or yesterday, when Jax was cranky (in what I now realize was a pre-poop phase) I muttered to myself while rushing to pee, "my goddess, I homebirth, breastfeed on demand, co-sleep, attachment parent, etc -- why can't that just be enough for him? Why is he still cranky?" There are other such pathetic moments, but I don't want to embarass myself too much. Although I do suppose I must mention the one that occured last night before bed, because that was the catalyst, the moment that made me sit up and pay attention to all these weird bubblings beneath the surface.

Hubby and I were about to go to sleep, saying our goodnights, when he asked me if Jax, Eliz. and I would like to attend his softball game tonight. Without activating the think-before-speak program, I muttered something passive-aggressive and rude: "sure I'll go, it's just what I'd like, to spend the evening in a field sneezing my head off while taking care of my kids so you can have fun. Sure thing, hun." He looked at me, like "where did that come from" and said, "well, then, nevermind, I just thought it would be fun." And you know what, normally it would be fun, and I would love to go (and I could take an allergy pill if I really needed to, although I only tend to take them on a limited as-needed basis these days). But instead I launched into this whole dramatic speech about how it's not fair that he gets to decide to play softball and subsequently gets one night a week to do what he wants to do, while I have to therefore rearrange my schedule around his. From this, I went into a whole huge pity party about how I never get any time to myself, lamenting the sorry state of my neglected scrapbooks, my abandoned school work, my lack of a social life (among other things), ad nauseum until finally I got up to pee and then came back and said, "I don't want to talk about this, I'm tired." My poor blind-sided hubby.

But bless his soul -- do you know what he did? He sent me an email this a.m. asking if there was anything he could do on his lunch hour to help me. I called him and he said in a gentle voice, "I want to help -- what can I do? I want to give something back to make your life easier." We chatted, brainstorming some ideas for how I can carve out blocks of time for myself here and there, and what steps would be necessary to start implementing them. I couldn't think of any errands for him to run at lunch time, so he came home and gave me his time instead. He held Jax so that I could finish a scrapbook page that I've been trying to do for three days now. He moved a card table and baby monitor up to the attic for me, so that I can scrapbook up there after Jax goes to bed -- currently, my stuff is downstairs on the dining room table and there is a lag time between when Jax goes to bed and when Eliz. does -- since most nights, she falls asleep on the couch downstairs, I'm usually "stuck" for 1/2 hour or so with nothing to do except watch mediocre television in our bedroom (sans vcr or anything that could improve the quality of said tv viewing). We made a list of other things to do (like put a reading lamp in our bedroom so I can read after Jax goes to sleep w/out making the entire room too bright, etc). We really connected.

And all this from a guy who already does so much in terms of household and child care. When I think about how blessed I am, I sometimes feel like a slug for having these moments of self pity. But my need for "me" time is very real, and I have a hubby who is more than willing to help me achieve that, it's just a matter of me making my needs known (too bad it took a series of small meltdowns for me to start listening to my inner voice and to pay attention when I can sense something is not centered in myself).

About those needs -- sometimes I feel like such a failure of a mommy for wanting -- no craving -- time to myself. I feel as if I give and give and give, and at the end of the day, there is nothing left for just me. I hate feeling this way, I wish I could be one of those mommies whose delight in taking care of her children is fulfillment enough. But for me, it's not. Now, I DO love taking care of my children, and I willingly attachment-parent them, because it feels right in my heart. And there are moments, many moments, of joy, contentment, peace -- a sense of being centered and right. But there are also times, like most recently, when I feel stressed, burned out, spent, drained and LONG for something that is just mine, just for me. I think I need to find a way to work in some time for myself every day, before I get to the point of exhaustion and irritability. I can't deny this need for solitude and me time -- it's what recharges my soul and rejuvenates me. I sometimes feel guilty that this need is SO strong in me, but it's there, and to deny it would to be to deny a part of my soul. I'd rather take an hour alone so that I can be there, refreshed and patient and energetic the other 23 -- than to spend ALL my time on call for my children and find myself drained, impatient, and irritable as a result.

Somewhere deep down, I know this is fine, and these needs are valid, and yet I still sometimes feel like I'm being selfish or that I lack some fundamental "good" mommy gene, or that I'm the only one who experiences these moments and longings. But I know that can't be true, which is why I'm opening up this part of myself, and sharing it here.

2002-05-14T12:49:00.000-04:00

I am waiting for my hubby to bring me home a sandwich for lunch. Jax is finally napping, after enduring a severe case of dont-put-me-down-not-even-for-a-minute-itis and topping that off with the messiest poopy diaper and then a necessary but very enjoyable bath. The poop/bath combo put him in a great mood again, and now he is pleasantly napping. I'm SO freaking hungry, though. I did not have a chance to eat breakfast and when J. offered to bring me home lunch, I jumped at the chance. But he was supposed to be here nearly an hour ago, and I'm so damn hungry that I can't wait much longer, I'm just gonna have to eat something, *anything*, to tide me over. I can feel a headache coming on, and I'm getting too close to the edge of cranky.

Last night while I was getting ready to put Jax to sleep, Elizabeth came in to give us our goodnight hugs and kisses (it's become this cute little ritual that we practice every night now). I said to her, as I often do, "thank you for a wonderful day." Usually she says, "you're welcome" but last night she said, "and thank you, too." That made me smile, and I simply said, "oh, you're welcome" as I felt my heart just fill up and gush with love. I have some amazing kids.

Oh, I must mention this -- my sweet baby boy is 6 MONTHS OLD TODAY! How in the world did that happen?! The time is just flying by -- it seems like just yesterday that he was just 3 months old. Now he's 6 months old -- is cutting his 3rd and 4th teeth, and is just this amazing happy gurgling baby who loves splashing in the tub, sitting up on the floor, and of course playing with his adorable big sister. He's brought such joy to our family. Sniff.

2002-05-13T15:03:00.000-04:00

I had a very nice Mother's Day....brunch at my adoptive ILs; nice gifts from my sweet Elizabeth; and a refreshing afternoon nap with Jackson. But my favorite moment of the day came just as we were getting ready to put Jax down to bed. He was in his pjs, sitting up on the floor in Elizabeth's room, while Jack put laundry away (hmmm, I think this counts as another gift, LOL) and I was getting my water, etc., ready for the long bedtime nurse-a-thon. Jack called to me, and I went to see what was up. Elizabeth was running across the length of her room, shouting, "Big Girl Super Hero," then sort of belly-flopping onto her bed, while Jax watched her every move, giggling and gurgling with delight. She did it over and over again, and each and every time his eyes followed her across the room -- both of them laughting these deep belly laughs that just lit up the room . He took absolute delight in her every move, and she was more than happy to entertain him, repeating the same moves over and over again for her adoring brother. J. and I watched from the hallway, unseen for a bit and reluctant to intrude on this perfect moment of sibling bliss. So we stood there, arms wrapped arms around each other, smiling and quietly giggling at their antics, and he said quietly (but with a huge smile), "this is our family." I'm all teary-eyed just thinking about it. I'm writing it down because I don't ever want to forget the magic and specialness I felt at that moment.

2002-05-11T21:40:00.000-04:00

Too tired to blog. It's been a very busy few days here. I've just been sitting here for the past 5 minutes trying to think of something to write, but I'm too tired to form sentences.

Happy Mothers Day to all the amazing mamas that I know!

2002-05-08T17:00:00.000-04:00

I had such a rough afternoon today, and I'm basically just counting the minutes until Jack gets home to give me a bit of a break. I'm just an emotional mess today. First, I was talking to J. on the phone and he made an insensitive joke about me that I found really offensive (it was an innocent comment, but I was feeling hyper-sensitive) and I got really upset. Then I jumped in the car to take Jax to the Whole Foods before it was time to pick up Eliz. from preschool. The WF is in the next town, about 10-15 minutes away. While driving there, I was stopped at a traffic light and two police cars come up with their lights and sirens on, blocking the lane next to me (one of those 'left turn only lanes'). My first thought was to be worried, like there was some situation going on (there are two banks on the corner, I thought maybe something was happening there) and I looked behind me to see maybe if I should turn around and take a different route. That's when I noticed the long line of cars coming through the lane, all with their lights on. Oh, a funeral, and I felt a touch of sadness. They all pass (even as the asshole behind me cuts in front of me and gets in the middle of their lane b/c he's tired of waiting -- WTFever -- this is someone's funeral, how about a little respect?, and so I'm angry thinking of his insensitivity). I keep driving, and then I see them up ahead of me just a couple of blocks, making a right hand turn. That's when it hits me. They are going to the cemetary where my mom is buried. That was me, in one of those cars, just 9 months ago. And so I just lose it -- huge sobs and tears, the kind I could barely see through to drive. I had to pull over to compose myself.

I should have went home, but I have been trying to get to WF for over a week now and this was my best chance, and time was running out. Somehow I muddle through the shopping with my tear-stained eyes (although I managed to spend $60 on two bags of groceries -- but that's another post) and went home so I could hurry up & walk over to pick up Elizabeth from school. In my rush, I forgot to put my walking sneakers on and so half way through the walk I can feel a blister forming on my foot, and it's really hurting by the time I get there. By now, I'm sore, I'm cranky, I'm emotionally spent, and I realize I forgot to eat lunch, so I'm also starving (which makes me more cranky and irritable). She decides that she doesn't want to leave, and it takes me a good 1/2 hour to get her out of there (most of which I just sit there looking pathetic hoping she'll magically take pity of me, which she finally does). We muddle home (sore foot and all) and she starts making regular demands on me (snack, drink, etc) which normally would just be part of our routine, but instead I feel myself getting unnecessarily frustrated. I realize how cranky I am, and so I just say to her, "look Elizabeth, I'll be honest with you. I'm not in a good mood, I'm feeling really sad today and it would be really helpful if you could just cooperate with me, and give me a minute, okay?" She asks why I'm sad, and I tell her it's because I miss my mommy (it's easier than trying to explain all the other reasons, too). She gives me a hug, and so far has been pretty understanding and easy going (although I'll also admit that she is watching Dragon Tales right now so that I can take the time to write this blog and start processing all these overwhelming emotions).

Okay, it felt good to write that all out. I think I'm ready to be patient and accomodating again (at least for the next hour until J. comes home and then I intend to self-medicate with a mounds bar that is cooling in the freezer right now!).

2002-05-08T10:45:00.000-04:00

Why engage in soul-searching introspection when there are fun online quizze to take!?

Which Woman of Beauty Are You? Find out! By Nishi.

Which Royalty Are You? Find out! By Nishi.

Hmmm.......I wonder if I got this one b/c the only one of those women I could even think of relating to was Xena. LOL. Or maybe it was all those answers about wanting to change society. LOL

2002-05-08T10:34:00.000-04:00

Well, I admit it, I am pathetic. While all these other wise women are having thought-provoking conversations about money, consumer choices, priorities, etc., I am engaging in retail therapy. And why? Because my fee-fees are hurt, and of course (rolls eyes) owning a pair of cropped pants is the best way to make me feel better (rolls eyes again). Yes, I know it's pathetic, and yes, I did it anyway. I could sit here and try to rationalize it, but that's pointless. I could try to defend my character by talking about all the other ways in which I am conscious about spending money, about all the "good" ways I fight consumer lust, or try to support WAHM businesses, etc. etc. etc. -- but I recognize that would just be a defensive mechanism, and so I'm not going to do that. The confession is good enough for me, and I'll try to forgive myself when the cropped pants arrive so that I can wear them with style ;-)

There's lots more on my mind today but the muse feels silent.

2002-05-07T12:59:00.000-04:00

Well, I have not heard back yet from my friend, and I'm trying to be okay with that. I feel as if I have done all that I can to try and stay in touch with him (the emails & phone message) and it is up to him now. I don't think I can contact him again if I don't hear from him first -- I feel like I've made the appropriate attempts to get in touch, and without response from him, I feel like it would be inappropriate for me to make more attempts -- I am really, really sensitive about over-stepping my boundaries or making unwanted approaches to peope. That's mostly b/c I am terribly insecure about social stuff and fear rejection -- and it's precisely b/c of moments like *this* that I do feel this way -- I hate not knowing if the "snub" is intentional on his part (ie, if he's purposely avoiding/ignoring me) or if he's just really busy and can't get back to me, or if there is some compelling reason why he can't get in touch with me at this point in his life. I wish I could know one way or the other, so I could just move past this and move forward (it's this "limbo" stuff that's driving me crazy).

Anyway, I hate feeling like this, and I hope this effort on my part doesn't make me less likely to reach out to other people in the future. So often, I want so much to reach out to people but I don't because I don't like this feeling that I'm feeling now.

Sigh. I am in desperate need of some external validation. Anyone want to call, email, or IM me and tell me that they think I'm fabulous, or at least that I'm not some person who should be avoided/shunned at all costs?

2002-05-07T11:15:00.000-04:00

All the other cool kids have one on their blogs....

find your element
at mutedfaith.com.
<º>

2002-05-06T10:21:00.000-04:00

Well, that wasn't so hard. Okay, maybe it was. I just called and left a message for a friend who I haven't heard from in a long while. We keep in touch only sporadically, and there have been plenty of times where months or even YEARS have gone by without us seeing/talking to each other. Yet, somehow, we always managed to reconnect and find each other again. We last spoke in December, very briefly, and exchanged a few emails since then (but I think it's been about 2 years now since we've last seen each other). I have sent a couple of emails in the last month or two, and have not heard anything from him. I've been trying to "assume a positive intent" about the emails, like maybe the address I have is no longer valid (although they aren't bouncing back or anything like that). If this were a normal friend, with a normal friendship, I wouldn't think twice about it, I would just figure that the person was busy and would get back to me as soon as they could. But this relationship is complicated, complex, confusing, etc. There is a strange, tangled history between us that I don't know how to explain. The relationship is totally platonic, but it's also fraught with all these weird dynamics that just confuse the hell out of me, and have confused me for as long as I can remember. It's not a sorrid thing, for those looking for gossip or dirt on me, it's just *complicated* and I don't have the words/creativity to try to describe our relationship right now -- I will someday, my goddess, it's definitely something I need to write about.

Anyway, it's bothering me that I haven't heard back from him, so I figured instead of sitting here wondering about it, I'll just call and see what's up. Of course, if he doesn't call me back, then I'll know (or at least suspect) that he's purposely ignoring me, but if I do hear from him, then I know there's hope for our friendship yet. Yeez, you would think after 15+ years of trying to be friends, we could either finally get it right, or maybe just decide to abandon the experiment all together. Who knows. I'm sure there's a lesson in this for me (isn't there always) but I'll be damned if I can figure it out this time.

So taking a page out of the book of Corrie, I turn to song:

I'm still standing, I'm still standing
where you left me
Are you still growing wild
with everything tame around you?

-- The song is Wild Honey, by U2, and I *swear,* Bono wrote it for me.

2002-05-02T22:38:00.000-04:00

Sigh. I am sad tonight. My hubby got called to work to fix a problem (this is such a rarity, he can usually fix these things from home). I am feeling lonely. I just wrote a big I miss my mommy post at yaaps and had a good cry before, during, and after writing it. I've eaten more dove promises than I care to count. I refuse to watch ER alone tonight, because I know I can't stand to watch if someone dies or whatever other heart-wrenching drama they'll decide to show. So I'm just sitting here, listening to my babes sleep, trying to watch a movie but not really able to concentrate, and wishing I could get a great big bear hug right about now.

2002-05-02T11:50:00.000-04:00

Okay Tanya -- fess up. Was it you, or one of the other evil bloggers? I got an icq yesterday from an "unknown user" that read, "do u wear thongs." No joke, that was the entire message. I added the user to my ignore list, but I think instead, I should have answered, "No, I don't, do you wanna make something of it?" Baahahaahahha.

2002-05-01T14:02:00.000-04:00

Something popped into my mind today -- It was a piece a writing advice I got from one of my professors during my first year of graduate school. She said that, sometimes, when you are feeling really attached to/in love with a particular sentence or paragraph of your writing, well, that sometimes you just have to get rid of it. That you could find yourself so attached to the way the sentence is phrased or how beautifully it is constructed, that you can lose sight of the fact that it no longer supports your larger argument, or that it no longer moves the paper along, except in that it's a pretty sentence to read. I remember that I had found myself SO in love with this one particular sentence I had written that I had stopped looking at it critically to see how it fit with the larger paper, which had undergone several significant revisions. And so I took her advice -- I deleted that wonderful sentence (okay, I cheated -- I cut and pasted it into a separate document "just in case" I wanted to add it back in). And it turns out, that as lovely as that sentence was, it wasn't necessary to the paper anymore, and if anything, it was sort of a stumbling block for me. It had kept me from asking tougher questions about the analysis/argument of that part of the paper of which it had summarized. So as tough as this advice was to take, as much as I resisted the idea of giving up something that I had created and was so proud of, it turned out to be really great advice, a really profound learning experience for me. It opened a door for me; it allowed me to make several more nuances to my larger paper; it freed me to go on to create more beautiful sentences; and the end result was a paper that was much stronger and much more solid than the sum of its well-crafted sentences (and there were many - believe it or not, I CAN actually write quite well when I put my mind to it, although I realize that this blog does not do much in the way of showcasing my writing skills).

I'm not sure why this particular gem popped into my head this morning -- I'm certainly not writing any beautiful sentences lately (although I do hope to return to this endeavor one day). But I think it's a metaphor for me -- I think there's an important lesson to be learned, and I need to apply it to another situation that I am currently facing (that has nothing to do with sentences or writing). I just need to figure out why my unconscious mind chose to throw this, of all things, into my conscious mind today. In the meantime, I thought I'd put it out here so I could start processing it.

And now, of course, I have this overwhelming desire to see if I can indeed find that sentence that got the ax. I think it's still sitting on my old computer somewhere, because I couldn't bear to part with it entirely. And as for the larger paper? The sentence didnt' make the cut, but the paper eventually transformed itself into a beautiful interpretive essay that has been published in a book I co-edited. But details about that have to wait for another time -- Jax is waking up!

2002-05-01T10:41:00.000-04:00

I am so tired this a.m. - I felt terrible last night - I either had an absolutely awful allergy attack, or have the beginnings of a cold (it's still hard to tell). It started around 4 pm and I just kept feeling worse and worse. And of course, this had to coincide with a very, very cranky night for Jax, who I think must be cutting another tooth (all the signs are there). He was up all night - sometimes wanting to nurse; other times just wanting to be cuddled; and very obviously in alot of pain/discomfort. I wanted nothing more than to just SLEEP myself, since I was feeling so sneezy, groggy, achy, etc., but it wasn't in the cards. I finally got some sleep from about 4:00-6:30 a.m. while Jax slept on the attic futon with Jack. This a.m. I feel so sore and groggy and worn out, and I still can't tell if I'm getting a cold or not -- it's hard to tell if I feel this bad b/c of not sleeping, or b/c I'm coming down with something.

So today is another day, then, where I don't feel much like posting. I'm in creepy lurker mode, which seems to be happening alot to me the past week or so. I read the boards, I read the blogs, but I find that I don't have much to say -- like I said in an earlier entry, it's like I can't seem to find my "voice." I need to get over this -- there are so many women out there, both old friends and new, whose lives I am interested in, who I have truly been enjoying getting to know, and so I've got to find a way to be a more active participant in things. I think part of my silence is because I am preoccupied with some other stuff in my life that needs resolution but that I keep burying (I *will* write about this stuff when I get a chance but time to really think and really write is scarce here these days). Part of it is all this recent drama, as well. I have opinions on the whole thing, but don't have the energy at present to write about them, so I'm just sort of silently nodding in agreement when I see entries that reflect my own thoughts on the matter.

Damn, I am so tired I can't concentrate on what I am writing. I'll stop for now and try again when my brain doesn't feel so fuzzy and achy.

2002-04-30T09:07:00.000-04:00

We were out of town this weekend, on a wonderful long weekend trip to Baltimore. We had such a great time, and it was so nice to take a quick holiday and not have to worry about laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc. for a few days. We got to visit and reconnect with old friends who we have not seen for years (we had lost touch when we both moved around the same time and didn't get new addresses, etc), and we got to meet some new friends (waves to Christine! -- and watch out Julie, cuz you're next!!!). My kids were so incredibly good-natured the entire trip, they both really seem to enjoy travelling. So, so many people stopped us to say how adorable or sweet or friendly they were. Jax, who must consider himself an ambassador of sorts, smiled wildly and giggled for anyone who came to say hello. Elizabeth was amazing to watch - she had such a great time, was really into all that we saw and did, it was so much fun to see things from her eyes, it was like seeing them for the first time. She spent most of the weekend pretending to be a dolphin (with me dutifully feeding her little goldfish), "swimming" around wherever we went.

I have much to say and much to blog about but we are off to the mall to buy a birthday present for a friend. I really want to update my blog and post at yaaps and motherspirit about my trip, but there's so much to do to decompress from the trip (laundry, cleaning, unpacking, etc) that I'm not sure I'll have much online time the next couple of days, but I'll try.

Waves a warm hello to everyone -- It's good to be back!

2002-04-25T09:35:00.000-04:00

I have been off-line most of this week, too....I wish I could say I was engaged in some thought-provoking, consciousness-changing, soul-searching, introspection, but alas, I've just been tired, busy, and preoccupied. In a way, I also feel as if I have temporarily lost my internet "voice" -- I have had this strange sort of feeling this past week or so, very similiar to what Julie was talking about her blog about "online boredom." But for me, it's not so much boredom, it's a sense of feeling a little un-connected, or out-of-the-loop, or whatever.

I found, for example, that I had very little interest in the drama surrounding the mangomama stuff. Out of a sense of banal curioristy, I did spend a little time reading some of the posts over on her board, but I found it really hard to feel interested in this latest round of internet-brouhaha. In fact, I can tell you exactly when I stop reading/searching for info -- I came across a post that said something like, "I thought you should all know that I saw MM drinking COFFEE with a MAN while her kids were in SCHOOL." This was said in such a negative, disparing, tone, and was clearly designed to conjure up feelings of dislike/dishonor for MM. I mean really -- who cares?? So what?? Is it really all that earth-shattering that this woman is a HUMAN, that she is fallible, if indeed fallible is even the correct way to describe someone who goes out for a cup of coffee, kwim?? It was written in a tone that would have been more appropriate had it said, "I saw MM drinking the blood of sacrified children with a convicted rapist/child molestor while her kids were locked and chained in his evil lair." Yes, I think both MM and her loyal subjects did much to make her into some larger-than-life, perfect- alterna-mommy-goddess - but having never worshipped in the cult of mango in the first place, there's no disappointment to be felt when her true identity as a regular human being, subject to changes in life, circumstance, outlook, etc., took place. And I don't think drinking coffee is such a sin, even if I don't drink the stuff myself (except for an occasional decaf cappucino as a treat).

Well, you can see why I've kept my internet voice silent this week - it doesn't really have anything new/interesting/insightful to say. I'm about a week late and $2.50 short on this one, but for some reason that's the example that popped into my head this a.m. For me, though, that's part of the beauty/appeal about blogging -- half the time I sit down to write, I have little idea what I'm going to write about, and I just wind up following my stream of consciousness whereever it takes me. I find it a very revealing exercise -- it helps me to uncover when I'm unconsciously holding onto things that aren't really all that important to me, and also when to dig deeper and to think more carefully about things that I should be paying more attention to but that I'm not yet ready to face for whatever reason. If I had the time, I guess I could list a whole bunch of those things, but my "free" time is over for now.

And just as a heads-up, we have plans for this weekend, which means I probably won't be on-line much. When I return, look for a refreshed, new and improved, ready to ask those hard questions about myself, muse - coming soon to a blog near you!

2002-04-22T17:08:00.000-04:00

I was off-line most of the weekend, spending time with family. Tomorrow is my niece's 6th birthday, and she had her party on Sunday. We had a great time -- I got to catch up with some old friends; Elizabeth had a blast with all the kids; Jackson was the subject of much admiration and adoration; and Jack got to eat good cake. Everyone was happy :-)

Today I have had an awful headache most of the day so I've been lying low -- even just looking at the computer screen makes my head throb. I'm trying to do as little as possible (while keeping two kids as happy as possible, too!). It's been a rainy, dreary, cold, damp day here -- although we did get about 1/2 hour of semi-sunshine which coinicided with when it was time to pick Elizabeth up from preschool and so I walked there, in the hopes that the fresh air would help my headache. It didn't work, unfortunately, but the walk felt nice anyway, and Elizabeth absolutely LOVES it when Jax and I pick her up in the stroller. She now has figured out to look at my shoes when I come in, and if I'm wearing my sneakers or good walking sandals, she gets this huge smile on her face and says, "Mommy, did you bring the stroller?" And when I answer yes, she literally jumps up and down and claps and smiles with delight and races out the classroom. It's really cute.

I am wearing my pre-pregnancy jeans today for the first time - that's an awesome feeling! Who knew that exercise was an effective way to lose weight {dammit!}?? This walking stuff has been great for me, and I'm looking forward to starting some short runs over the next couple of weeks. I'm also going to look into a local walk-a-thon that's coming up in a few weeks -- if the registration deadline hasn't passed, and if they allow strollers, we are signing up as a family! And I say WE -- Jack said he will walk it with me and the kids for moral support. This is a *huge* thing for Jack -- as a runner, he pretty much does not like to walk (the pace is too slow and bores him, unless we have a destination to reach, and then he's okay with it). So for him to VOLUNTEER (it was his idea!) to walk 3.1 miles with me is so amazing -- it's a really romantic and generous and supportive gesture on his part. And yet here I am feeling secretly glad that his softball game was cancelled tonight so that I don't have to go (if my head wasn't pounding I'd be happy to go cheer him on, but I feel so guilty for being happy that we don't have to go tonight~).

2002-04-19T09:32:00.000-04:00

Well, well, well...I got on the scale this a.m. and I have lost 2-3 lbs....which puts me just 2-3 lbs. away from my original pre-pregnancy weight! Woo-hoo! (Of course, there's still that *extra* 20 lbs or so that I had gained before I got pregnant, but we'll worry about that later, okay - I want to feel good and encouraged today!). Actually, I had weighed myself yesterday and noticed the loss, but thought it was a fluke -- so I weighed myself again this a.m. and the pounds were still gone :-)

I went for a great walk last night - all ALONE (well, Bono came with me on my portable headset, but you know what I mean). It was great to be alone with my thoughts. I walked fast and strong, and felt great -- really inspired and energized. And I found out that walking up the big hill to get back home was not hard -- it's close to impossible when I'm hauling 75 pounds of kids and stroller -- but all alone I had the strength to do it well. Now I just have to keep up this motivation. J. is developing a plan for me to slowly turn me into a runner. He's going to have me do half-walks, half-runs for a while until my body adjusts. My goal is to train for a 5k race sometime this fall, and then to slowly keep running longer distances (as much as I can). Of course all this is contingent upon whether or not that sports bra holds up, so we'll see ;-)

Gee, it's probably not very exciting for anyone else to read about the details of my fitness training, but after reading Christine's wise comments on my blog yesterday (thanks hon!), I decided that this is my blog and I'm gonna write about what interests/inspires/etc ME. I'd love to keep my readers interested as well, and yes, I'd love a comments box overstuffed with comments (wouldn't we all?!), but that can't be my motivating force for keeping this blog going. I have to keep this endeavor primarily about helping me to focus, clarify, and reflect upon my own thoughts, dreams, and wishes.

2002-04-18T17:15:00.000-04:00

Ah, my life may be mundane, but I'm a happy camper -- In today's mail came 2 boxes of treats. The first one contained all the yummy soaps that I won on auction from Lisa's Customs Creations. The soaps look so colorful, and smell so incredible - I will soon be the cleanest gal in town, because I'll probably start showering several times a day just so I can try all the different varieties. :-) And my new sports bra and shorts also came today -- I'm thinking about stepping up my walks to jogs once I start to get a little more strength. But the only way to do that is with a *really* good bra that can contain my huge breasts. I tried the bra on and it pretty much smashes them - which I guess is the point of a good running bra. So in the next couple of weeks I'll start doing some test runs to see if it's feasible for me to be both a nursing mom and a running mom. I would love to train for a marathon -- it might take years before I feel ready, but i think this would be a really cool accomplishment, and J. (who is a runner himself) is all for the idea and says he will support me anyway he can (short of holding up my breasts while I run, I guess! LOL). I told him that I want to run a marathon in a really inspiring location -- like Bermuda or California -- so that I have a great incentive (and get a neat vacation in the process).

I'll probably decide later that this idea is too ambitious, but for now, I'm jazzed at the idea.

2002-04-18T12:13:00.000-04:00

I wish my blog was more inspiring and thought-provoking. When I first started blogging, I thought this would be a great way to exercise my intellectual muscles, to practice writing stream-of-consciousness so that I could get my brain all a-thinking again. I used to think that I had all sorts of interesting and important ideas to write about, and I know somewhere in the corners of my brain there are all sorts of ideas and opinions floating around in a coma-like state. But instead, it seems that my blog is rather boring and mundane -- perhaps an apt metaphor for my life at this time? Yet I hate to think of my life in terms of the mundane -- it seems like such a negative way to look at things, especially since my life is so full of blessings at this time. But I don't know - I guess I'm lacking a certain something to truly inspire me -- and how I can hope to inspire others when I don't inspire myself much these days?

So what does my blog offer? I lack the wit and adoring fan-base that Madame Fab has; I lack the introspective honesty that Julie has; I lack the humorous ranting of other blogs; and I lack the ability to generate controversial discussions in the comments box of my blog. But I guess if I concentrate on all the things that my blog lacks, I'll just drown in a pool of self-pity, and that sounds rather melodramatic for my tastes. I guess I should focus instead of what I can do to my blog to make it more interesting, at least for myself, if not also for my readers (yes, both of you, LOL).

Well, I have some thinking to do.

2002-04-16T23:03:00.000-04:00

It is so hot here -- I think it was 90 degrees today. The heat is making me so tired and sluggish. Today when J. came home from work, Jax was ready for a quick nap and I needed to sleep too - I could barely stay awake. When I woke up 1/2 hour later, I was so out of it -- too tired to cook dinner -- and so we just grabbed a couple of slices of pizza instead. I am seriously considering having J. install the bedroom air conditioner if this keeps up -- but it's only APRIL!! I just can't sleep when it's too hot -- I need covers on me to sleep, and there's no way I can have any covers on me when it's 70 degrees at night. Last night I was up until 1 a.m. -- Jax woke up to nurse and I realized I hadn't slept at all yet. Luckily I finally fell asleep and Jax took pity on his mommy and slept in until 7 a.m. Yeah!

Jax was so cute today - he was wearing his new shorts romper (glad I started shopping early for his summer clothes!) - it's one of those wavin baby rompers - and it says "Cute, smart, and healthy...thanks to mom's milk." Yes, I'm using my son as a means to promote breastfeeding advocacy, and I love it. Now, to talk J. into buying me the "born at home" one for him too :-)

Geez I'm so tired I can barely concentrate. Off to hit post before I start rambling incoherently (again).

2002-04-15T13:52:00.000-04:00

I called this a.m. to make an appointment to get my hair cut/colored. I wanted a Saturday appointment, so that Jack and the kids could come with me (the place is like 45 minutes away, and it's easier for me and Jax especially if we all just go together). Well, my stylist is booked on Saturdays till like the end of June!!! I can't wait until the end of June to get my hair done (I've got lots of greys creeping in) -- okay, obviously I *could* wait, I just don't want to. So instead I make an appt. for a late Thursday afternoon/evening -- and *that's* not until mid-May (geez, my stylist is popular, huh? That partly explains why I'm willing to drive 45 minutes just to get my hair cut -- she really is THAT good). Anyway, I call Jack to let him know that this is the plan -- he works from home on Thursdays and so it won't be that big of deal for him to make the late afternoon trip with me. However, HE just made himself an appointment (for a consultation for the big "V") on that very same day. Well, although it makes me appear rather self-centered and shallow, I asked him to move his appointment, because of course, getting my hair done is the priority here LOL. So he's going to call and see if he can reschedule.

Honestly, sometimes I don't know how he puts up with me. I'm definitely more than he bargained for, and yet he's so accomodating and agreeable. Like the idea of him waiting around a salon entertaining 2 kids while I get my hair colored seems like a LOT to ask of him, but Jax is still so young and so I'm not willing to be gone that long during the day if I don't have to (and I do recognize that getting my hair done is a rather frivolous thing in the grand scheme of things). So I told him that this can be considered part of my Mother's Day present -- his time and cooperation so I can do this. Hopefully the weather will be nice and they can hang out in the quad by school and run around on the grass (my stylist is located 5 minutes from my school -- it used to be very convenient when I lived down there and was on campus all the time -- now it's a big production to get there, but like I said, she's THAT GOOD!).

BTW, I'm thinking of getting my hair glazed a cool funky color - like a deep purple or blue. I've got a month (ha!) to make up my mind, so if you have any suggestions, pass them on!

2002-04-15T10:04:00.000-04:00

My two nieces had a sleep over here Saturday night -- they have been asking for a while to sleep over, and so we finally set a date. It was alot of fun, but damn EXHAUSTING. I had 4 kids for 24 hours, and I think it will take me all week to recover from the experience :-) There were moments when things worked very well, like when we were all outside -- the girls playing together; Jax asleep in the sling; and me and hubby doing some light yard work. Those were the moments when I thought, "Oh, this is fun, we are all in a good groove." (ok, so maybe those weren't my *exact* thoughts, but I'm still tired, okay?) But at other times -- like trying to get all 4 of them ready for bed at the same time, while I had an awful, terrible, migraine-like headache -- well, that was just overwhelming. It was all worth it -- Eliz. had a great time, and really, really liked having her cousins here, and already wants us to plan another sleepover -- although this time, she can go to my sister's house, I think :-)

Despite my exhaustion yesterday, I managed to get almost caught up on laundry, including the diapers, and I organized my spring/summer clothes and put away my winter stuff. My dresser is so neat and organized now it almost made my hubby faint, LOL. Let's see how long the neatness lasts.

We are supposed to have nice warm weather all week. It's like spring has suddenly sprung and the warm weather is here to stay. Today I'm wearing a tee shirt, cropped pants, and sandals and I just feel a change -- in the weather, in my attitude, in my soul. If I weren't so damn tired, I'd be even more mindful of the change. I just hope I keep taking advantage of this beautiful weather by walking. Last week I walked 4 times; I hope to walk 3-4 times again this week. I *will* get svelte, eventually!

2002-04-12T13:32:00.000-04:00

Just got back from lunch at my Dad's. We had to leave earlier than I wanted, but Jax hadn't napped all day and he was overtired and wouldn't fall asleep there (and then proceeded to fall asleep immediately as we were driving home, of course). My dad is a very devout Catholic - he doesn't eat meat on *any* Friday, not just the ones in Lent. So I went to the deli and bought him a tuna fish sandwich, and chose an eggplant cutlet for myself. It wouldn't matter that much (if at all) to my dad if I ate meat today (esp. since it's no longer lent) but it seemed like an easy respectful way to honor him by ordering something for myself without meat, kwim? It's the least I can do, considering I've turned buddhist-pagan-humanist-feminist on him, despite all his efforts to raise a nice little good Catholic girl :>

It's still so hard for me to be at my dad's house -- for one thing, I am still NOT used to thinking of/referring to it as my dad's house. It was always my "mom's" house or my "parents" house -- to suddenly have to rethink that is very hard for me, even all these months later. I still miss my mom so much when I am there -- I see all of her things, and it just makes it that much harder for me. Honestly, I don't know how my dad sleeps in the same bed that he slept in with my mom for 39 years, all alone. Actually, I think that explains why he volunteers so often to sit and keep watch/vigil at this old church/shelter in a nearby city that stays open 24 hours a day. I think it's easier for him to spend those long lonely nights somewhere else, and then when he does come home (like at 4-5 a.m.) he's so tired he can't help but fall asleep. My poor dad -- knowing what my heartache/grief is like, I can imagine how hard it is for him to lose his beloved wife.

2002-04-12T11:29:00.000-04:00

It's my blog so I'll say this here. It's not so much the peeing in the sink that bothers me (although, eeewwww *was* my first reaction) -- it's the total and complete disregard/disrepect/dismissal of all the women who took the time to voice their concerns and to provide information about why the sink peeing bugs them. *That's* what bugs me -- the total inflexibility and utter close-mindedness -- the seeming need (for whatever reason) to dig-in-her-heels and refuse to rethink her actions no matter what the cost. How hard would it be to stop for a moment and say, "Gee, I never thought of it that way. You are all raising some interesting concerns. Maybe I should give this matter some more thought." But - NO - she's totally close-minded and she absolutely refuses to even entertain the idea of changing what she does, no matter how many people raise their concerns -- even when those concerns might directly affect that precious baby bum she's so intent on protecting. THAT'S what bugs me - to me it's a sign of inmature self-righteousness, and for someone who was recently blogging about humility well it seems a little ironic.

There I said it. I'm sorry if this sounds judgemental, but I just had to get that off my chest and let go of it.

2002-04-11T22:38:00.000-04:00

I am proud of myself - I walked today -- for the third time this week -- with the kids in the double jogging stroller. I can even feel myself getting a little bit stronger as I huff my ass up the long hill home. I'm *still* not losing any more weight -- I've been stuck at the same weight for *weeks* now and that is really starting to bug me (I'm about 5 lbs. above my pre-pregnancy weight). Then again, I'm eating too much junk, although I'm trying to eat better meals/snacks at least some of the time.

I'm trying to be gentle/positive with myself -- trying to concentrate on the fact that it is GOOD that I am out walking with my kids (who so far seem to enjoy the walks/adventures -- we always try to have a destination in mind, rather than just mindlessly wandering around town, kwim? Today for example we went to Starbucks and happily hung out for a whle while I drank a decaf iced something drink and Eliz. had some free juice they were giving away). (Geez, was that a long parathetical statement or what???) Anyway, I'm trying to look at my body and see the strength it is gaining, see that it *is* getting smaller in some places, see that it does look/feel more tone. I'm trying to remember that my body is amazing -- it created and sustained two lives in the womb and it is currently providing 100% of the nourishment for my baby. These are all good things. So why the hell can't I just lose a few more pounds -- or better yet, why the hell can't I just be satisfied with what's right and good and powerful about my body, and learn to love it all (extra pounds and all?!)

2002-04-10T13:47:00.000-04:00

I am feeling so sliuggish today - I just can not get motivated to do much besides sit here and surf blogs/boards. Just off the top of my head, I can think of at least 1/2 dozen things I could/should be doing that would make me feel productive. Part of it is sheer laziness - I just want/need a day "off" where I do as little as possible, kwim? And Jax is giving me all the cues that a big poopy diaper may be arriving soon, and so I don't want to be out and about when it happens.

I went out to dinner last night (after nursing Jax to sleep) with two friends - my first real evening out since he was born. I had a *really* great time (waves to R!). Although, hmmm, maybe the wine with dinner and the relatively late bedtime last night explains today's tiredness....food for thought, huh? Oh, and the food was SO good, and I will go on record and say, YES, it was so lovely to have a slow, leisurely dinner where I got to eat with both hands and wasn't interrupted by my two sweet cherubs. I even drank a decaf cappaccino for dessert (geez, it's been so long I've even forgotten how to spell the word, LOL).

Last random thought....I just got an invitation in the mail to a party to celebrate a friend getting her PhD. We started at the same time, and we haven't really kept in good touch the past few years, but I still think of her as a good friend (we just both seem to have really poor communication skills). Anyway, it took her this long to finish *without* having kids, so maybe there is some hope for me yet. Unfortunately, we won't be able to make the party because we just made plans to go out of town that weekend. I'll have to call her and arrange to meet her for lunch instead to celebrate.

Any one waiting for any thing more insightful or exciting than these snippets will have to come back another day, okay?

2002-04-09T13:58:00.000-04:00

Taking a moment to capture all the love I felt last night/this a.m. Last night, I was cuddling/rocking Elizabeth before bed, and she just looked so beautiful, and I got a glimpse of just how breath-taking she'll be as an adult (and I mean both her internal and external beauty - she is truly a remarkable soul). Thinking out-loud, I said, "you are beautiful, and when you are all grown up, you are going to be amazingly beautiful." And she looked at me and smiled and said, "like mommy?" Wow - way to make a girl feel special, kwim?? She thinks I'm beautiful, that's just such a wondeful feeling.

Early this a.m. Jax was nursing and he unlatched just to give me this breath-taking, big, adoring smile - his eyes all a-twinkling, his face just so full of love and peace and joy and contentment. That's a really cool feeling - to know that I can make this little soul so happy and fulfilled.

And last night my hubby came home from work and told me I looked "really good" in my jeans. Considering that I've been eating my weight in chocolate easter candy lately and have not been feeling very svelte at all, that was a cool feeling too.

Geez, I hope these moments, taken together, don't make me sound like some shallow, must-be-complimented-to-feel-validated sort of person. It's just that each moment really made me feel loved, honored, special, and very blessed, and I just wanted to remember and capture that feeling of being loved and feeling warm so that I can call upon it during the moments when I start to feel stressed and anxious.

2002-04-08T14:23:00.000-04:00

My blog is not getting the type of attention it deserves -- throughout the day, or sometimes as I'm falling asleep at night, I think of all these wonderful, thought-provoking, semi-intelligent things that I want to write about -- but when I actually find myself with a free moment to write an entry, I rarely have the energy/motivation to set my thoughts on cyber-paper. And I have so many different ideas/topics/thoughts/musings floating around my brain, searching for some sort of outlet. I think I really need to get back into making writing a daily exercise for me, that I somehow have to find/make the time to write every day, even if I have no topic on hand when I first begin. I used to do this type of writing often while working on my school writing -- and most of the time, I found that just the act of writing in a stream of consciousness for 5-10 minutes was enough to get my brain working and thinking and before I knew it, I DID have things to say and thoughts to think and words began to take on some shape of coherence, forming themselves into sentences and sometimes even paragraphs, instead of just random placements of indents and spaces across the page as my writings sometimes appears (like right now, for example).

Anyway, I am at some sort of crossroads about my school work - I need to make a decision about the next academic year and maybe writing about it (as well as the related and semi-related thoughts floating through my mind) will help me reach that decision more clearly. I just realized last week that I have done absolutely NO work at all this entire academic year - in the early fall, I was too busy grieving the loss of my mom to think of school; then I was too busy with Jax's birth/babymoon. Since late January (when Jax was about 2 months old, I guess), I've been telling myself that I'd get back into my work any day now, but here it is April, and that day has yet to arrive. I was supposed to start working very part-time hours during his nap times or when Jack was home, or after the kids were asleep -- whenever I could carve out a few hours here and there. And all this time I've been on the verge of starting back into my work, I have been thinking of myself as a SAHM/part-time WAHM. But the reality is, I've been doing no work -- thus, making me "just" a SAHM (I don't mean that in a bad way, the "just" just refers to the fact that the WAHM part of my identity is not accurate at the moment - not as a reflection that the SAHM label is somehow "less" worthy or anything -- kwim??). This was a strange realization for me -- my husband gently told me that he figured it out months ago and just assumed I had, too -- but I was really under the impression that any day now I would start writing/working and the productivity would just start flowing again.

So now I don't know what to do or how to feel about all this -- should I make a concerted effort to start working again in the fall - maybe even making a work "schedule" of some sort so I have more accountability about my time? Or should I try to take an official semester or even year long leave of absence and not have the pressure of school on my back for a while (instead of the un-official leave I took this year, when it was expected that I would be getting stuff done?)? Is it even possible to take the leave, or will it be frowned upon since I have already extended the "normal" time to degree?? Will they just kick me out instead, so that I lose years and years of work? Should I do the bare minimum of work next year, just enough to stay in my advisor's and department's semi-good-graces, and then determine to *really* work and finish my degree the year after that?

I DO want to finish my degree and get my PhD. I am SO close to finishing, really, really close (I basically just have to write the dissertation -- all my course work, exams, the proposal, and most of my research is completed -- and so theoretically, I can do most of the work at home, at my own schedule). -- So I really do hesitate to drop out now (ie, even take the "official" leave), even though I don't see how I can do my school work unless something in me and about me changes. I need to get my focus back, I need to remember why my school work matters to me -- and I need to realize that finishing this degree DOES matter, even if I wind up never using it for the original purpose I once thought it would serve. I do have all sorts of wonderful ideas for work I *could* be doing someday, once I get the degree (which at this point will just give me the professional "status" I need to teach even part time at a college level or to embark on any sort of non-traditional academic sort of work). I no longer see myself ever becoming a full-time, tenure-track professor with a heavy teaching and research load -- but I still have this desire to do some sort of feminist work -- maybe teaching classes in a women's studies department or working PT for some sort of non-profit organization. I don't know.

Have to cut this short (ha!) but these are the beginnings of the thoughts that have been swimming around my head for days and weeks now.

2002-04-05T09:52:00.000-05:00

Adding all these links takes a lot of time - and it seems blogger has been down every time I try and get a little work done on it...I'm getting there, though, slowly! LMK if you'd like to be added to my links (or removed, if that's the case).

2002-04-04T13:58:00.000-05:00

Oh, this bites...I *finally* have a rare free moment to try and update my links, and I can't get into the template part of my blog b/c blogger is doing some sort of maintenance. Who knows when I'll ever have two cooperative kids, a work-at-home-hubby, and all other such types of planetary alignment in place again? Arghhhh!!!!

2002-04-04T12:35:00.000-05:00

Aaahhh....do you hear that? It's silence. Jax is napping, and Eliz. and J. are off on a quick run in the jogging stroller. I know it won't last, so I'm trying to savor it, even trying to type as quietly as possible. It's been a loud, crazy, morning here, and the silence is welcomed.

I have been quiet the past few days, because I have been doing alot of thinking and have been feeling introverted. But I have started to figure out a bunch of stuff about myself about why I've been feeling so funky the past few weeks. I just have to find the time to write about it all and start processing it -- but I'm already starting to feel a little better, just from having made some important realizations. It's alot easier to take steps in the right direction once you know which way you are facing, kwim?

One thing I've discovered is that I *crave* solitude -- or more accurately, I crave time for solitary reflection. I have always been like this, it has always been a real need of mine to have time to myself, by myself, to really look deep inside my heart, my soul, my mind, my spirit. I haven't had much in the way of any solitude these past few months -- on any level, even the most basic. Even when I'm engaging in my most basic needs, there's always someone(s) right there with me. Eating, sleeping, peeing, showering, etc. -- I rarely get to do any of these things without one or both kids right there on me or beside me. I really miss the quiet moments, the time when it's just me and my thoughts. I NEED these moments, to recharge my soul, to listen to my inner self and to figure out what my center is. Without these moments of quiet self-reflection, I've been feeling lost, uncentered, "off" -- and so I've really got to find a way to recharge my self in this all important way for me.

I especially miss being all alone in a car, having the freedom to listen to whatever music I want to and to sing as loudly (and off-key, I'm afraid) as I want to. When it's just me and Jax, I can sometimes listen to a song from start to finish without interruption (if he's asleep) but if Elizabeth is there, she has decided opinions about what we listen to, how loud it is, whether or not I can sing along to it, etc. etc. You know, when Bono is singing directly TO ME, and reading my thoughts as he often does, I want to be able to sing along with him. Is that too much to ask?????

Oh that reminds me -- Madame Fab, I read that you had a rough day and needed to borrow Bono for a moment....I guess I can share him this one time -- just so long as you understand that HE's MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE!!! Don't you know that he wrote all those songs FOR ME?????)

2002-04-02T13:04:00.000-05:00

Save the Bunny?
My hubby bought me a sinfully delicious chocolate bunny for Easter (we are overwhelmed by chocolate in this house these days). The poor little guy is wasting away to nothing....his ears are gone; most of his head is gone; and I fear his cute little tummy will be next. Is there any thing I can do to save him, or should I just put him out of his misery once and for all? {Burp}

2002-04-01T13:02:00.000-05:00

I really need to update my links section -- and I'm thinking of adding links to a bunch of blogs that I read regularly (instead of always going to Madame Fab's page over and over again and using *her* links, lol). So if for any reason you don't want to be linked to my blog just drop me an email and let me know. I don't really know the if there is some blog-protocol I should be following about linking, so if I'll be committing a major blog faux pas, will someone quietly let me know?? Of course, it will probably be days before I have the time/energy to get to this, so I don't even know why I'm bothering telling y'all about it now ;-)

2002-03-31T22:02:00.000-05:00

Eliz. is really adorable...and really awful about keeping surprises. She talked about J.'s b-day present for *weeks* before his actual birthday (remind me not to go shopping with her next year, lol). And yesterday she and J. went to the dry cleaners (or so they said) but they were gone a pretty long time. About 5 minutes after they finally came home, she asked me, "mommy where's the bag of jelly beans?" I didn't know what she was talking about and so I said, "what jellybeans?" and I saw J. give her a look -- and that's when I realized that they must have gone to the store to buy me treats for Easter. Then she just stood there giggling, and said, "oh, it's a surprise." Anyway, they are *really* good jelly beans (I'm munching as I type).

She also bought me a chocolate egg filled with butter cream. I used to buy one of these eggs for my mom every year at Easter...it was one of our quiet little rituals that we shared. I saw them in the store last week, when Jax and I were shopping for Easter goodies. I almost broke down crying in the store, realizing that I wouldn't be buying one this year :-( It's bittersweet that my daughter has bought one for me instead - I guess *this* will be our new tradition. Oh, that reminds me...the other day, Eliz. and I were talking about my mom and she started talking about "her friend Elizabeth" (her "imaginary" friend, but very real to her, and so we wouldn't use the word "imaginary" in her presence, kwim?) Anyway, she said, "my friend Elizabeth is going to go to heaven and bring a magic wand so that she can bring Ma back with her." And I said, "If she could do that, I would be very very happy - I miss Ma very much." You know, it was a wonderful thought for a moment - to think that there was some way of bringing her back, to have her here with us again. I SO wanted to believe that it WAS possible. I still miss her SO much -- and holidays seem especially rough.

2002-03-29T21:28:00.000-05:00

I've been too tired to blog all week...Jackson is getting his first 2 bottom teeth in, and so it's been a rough week here. I rarely get to put him down during the day, and it's just too hard to try and type anything that involves thinking with him wiggling in my lap -- so my blog, the boards, and my email are all sorely neglected. Plus we've been busy preparing for Easter -- I'm hosting Easter dinner here, for the first time ever, and I had a bunch of shopping to do to make baskets of goodies for the kids. I love holidays, I love rituals, I love filling baskets with treats (and stockings at xmas -- I love xmas stockings!), I always go overboard, but I just can't help myself :-)

Today was a glorious, beautiful, sunny day -- despite my exhaustion (I got about 2 hours of sleep last night -- I've been pretty sleep deprived for a couple of weeks now, actually), I took the kids on a nice long walk in our new double jogging stroller. We ran a few errands while we were walking -- I like walking with a purpose and destination in mind, rather than just walking. We live at the top of a hill, so no matter where we go, it's an easy downhill walk -- and thus, a hard, exhausting uphill trip home. Between the weight of the stroller and the 2 kids, I have to push like 75 lbs. UPHILL at the very end of the walk when I am already feeling tired/run down. It's hard - hopefully it will get easier in time, and if this doesn't get me in shape, I am *really* in trouble. I hope it works -- I've been stuck at the same weight now for a few weeks, just about 5 lbs. above my pre-pregnancy weight, and it's driving me nuts!!! I want to reach that first goal of returning to my pre-pregnant weight, so that I can celebrate and then start work on the *additional* 20 lbs. that I would like to lose. Looks like there are ALOT of walks in my future, huh?

2002-03-25T20:58:00.000-05:00

I'm still processing my weekend. We had a friend visit from SF for the weekend, and on Saturday we invited a handful of friends over to visit with him. Six adults came -- one married couple (who have a daugther a bit older than Eliz); one married couple w/out kids; and two single folks (one guy, one gal). For a while, it was a great visit -- it was really fun catching up with everyone, as it had been awhile since we were all together. We drank, we ate, we laughed, we joked -- it was comfortable, familiar, easy -- like the times when we saw each other with more frequency. Eventually, the couple & daughter were the first to go - she's preggo now and was tired/achy and needed to go home to take a nap. Totally understandable (and they stayed for 4+ hours as it was) -- but I think their leaving somehow changed the event for me. Suddenly I was the only mom there, the only person without a paying job. At the same time, Eliz. became very needy after they left b/c she lost her playmate (while they were here, I swear I hardly saw her - she and her friend K. had *such* a great time playing together and everytime I went to check on them I was told, "we're just playing mom" in that voice that really meant, "don't enter our world here - we are having too much fun alone"). Suddenly, I found myself feeling very stressed out and overwhelmed -- it's hard to explain but I felt like I was out of place in my own home -- like the demands of caring for my children were suddenly at odds with my desire to be part of the "gang." I suddenly felt like I wasn't able to fit in, to just casually sitting around the table chatting, without anyone else to worry about but myself. I found myself really wanting to be alone, to have a chance to regroup and compose myself, but I couldn't find a way to do so without seeming rude and so I had to just sit and grit my teeth for a while until I could mentally compose myself (and all the while, I couldn't concentrate, b/c I was also trying to deal with Eliz getting needy & a little cranky at the moment I was feeling least prepared to handle it).

It was a *very* strange feeling, and it took me a long while to recover from it - all the more so, because it just sort of came out of nowhere and took me by surprise. As I said, I found myself feeling somewhat outcast in my own home -- not because of anything directly said or done by my friends -- more just a feeling that probably came from my own feelings of insecurity and unworthiness. My life is now so totally centered around my kids that I felt that I had little to contribute to "adult" conversations that were about work, adult socializing, money, etc. I still can't believe I felt that way in my own home -- and again, I can't point to any one particular phrase or comment that made me feel that way -- I mean, honestly, my friends are all very nice, caring people -- maybe just a little clueless about life with kids -- but still, caring and kind. They probably did not set out to say anything that would cause me to feel weird, and they probably would feel bad if they knew I was feeling that way. But in a way that only made me feel worse - like it was all my own sensitivities at work, only I was (am still?) powerless to overcome them.

IThere's a strange nagging feeling that still lingers, two days later. I can't quite put my finger on it or clearly articulate it, but it's there....it's nagging and tugging at my soul, it's making me feel weird and weepy and strange -- and I don't know how to just get over it and move on -- I mean, after all, it *was* a really fun day; everyone seemed to enjoy themselves; the food was good -- and what we thought would be a 3-4 hour get together lasted over 8 hours b/c everyone was really enjoying themselves. So why I am feeling so spent and strange???

I'm off to raid the Easter candy in an effort to nurture my soul.

2002-03-22T11:05:00.000-05:00

Yawn. I am tired today. Actually, I've been tired all week. I'm getting just a little less sleep than usual, but it's making a big dent in my energy levels. I just feel, well, blah (to use the technical term) much of the time. I have these moments/bursts of energy, etc., but then I just crash and want nothing more than to sleep - but with two kids I don't get to choose when I sleep, they choose for me. And they have been tag-teaming me all week - if one's awake, the other one's asleep - and then vice versa. I think they are in cahoots with each other - I see the way they smile at each other, and exchange knowing glances when they think I'm not watching. I see the way he giggles at her, and I betcha it's because she's telling him the secret "let's not let mommy sleep" plan in code. Yeah, I'm on to them.

We have a visitor coming today and staying through tomorrow evening -- our dear friend from SF who we haven't seen in nearly 2 years now. I am very excited to see him - he's a great, funny, caring laid-back kind of guy, a real gem. But at the same time, I'm feeling hopelessly matronly, frumpy and suburban -- I am sitting here being so critical of myself, because I am imagining how hip, urban, carefree and adventurous his life must be in comparison to mine (he is married, but they don't have kids - at least not yet). I'm looking at the extra 30 lbs. on my body, and I just see all the extra weight that's still there (instead of the 50 pregnancy pounds that I've lost in the last 4 months). I see the bland suburban town I live in and think how dreadfully dull he will feel having to stay here. I think of how my life totally revolves around my kids now, and how "boring" that must seem to someone without kids. I even think that the simple meal I have planned for tomorrow (when some other mutual friends are coming over for a little reunion) will be inadequate and bland. But I don't know WHY I'm thinking these things. My friend is such a mellow, nice guy -- I'm sure he's not thinking ANY of these things about us -- I'm pretty sure he's just happy to see us and be able to visit. But I'm sitting here allowing myself to be judged against this phantom shadow of something more hip than me - and it sucks. Ugh. I am tempted to delete this paragraph, because it makes me sound more pathetic than I actually feel, but I won't (at least not for now).

Gotta run - the Jaxster is waking up from his nap.

2002-03-21T11:40:00.000-05:00

We did our Spring celebration this morning. It was wonderful, but I think in future years I may need to ask the spring fairies to visit at lunch time, instead of at dawn. Eliz. woke me up around 4 a.m. really excited about the spring fairies arrival. I snuggled in bed with her, trying to get her back to sleep for a while (I told her they wouldn't be finished till it was light out). I finally get her asleep; then Jax wakes up and I nurse him and finally get myself back to sleep -- when around 6 a.m. Eliz. JUMPS out of bed, runs to the window, and says, "they have come mommy, they have come! the spring fairies came! let's go let's go let's go!" I think at this point I muttered something incomprehensible about it being too early but she persisted and her energy was so enthusiastic that I dragged my weary ass out of my bed. I got her into some clothes (so that J., the spring fairies' trusty assistant, could do some last minute preparations) and we headed downstairs and outside to the "garden" (the garden is just these 2 patches of dirt where flowers have sometimes been known to grow, it really doesn't deserve to be called a garden yet, but hopefully we'll work on it this spring/summer).

She ran around the yard and saw the eggs and treats hidden in plain sight and was so excited! "Mommy, the spring fairies made me so happy!" She jumped up and down in glee, and shook each egg as she found it (we used plastic ones, and hid little treats inside each one). She found her present wrapped in paper; she found the chocolate bunny hidden in the flowers; she found a little book the fairies left for Jax; and she was beaming with delight with each new discovery. Tired and grumpy as I felt, I couldn't help but smile, and her energy/excitement truly was contagious. I really didn't realize just how into this she was -- it was like a mini-Christmas for her, she was so jazzed! It really warmed my heart that this ritual I've created for us has such meaning for her :-)

It was rather cold outside, so we found our treats and brought them inside and opened them up next to the spring table. She had so much fun. Her gift from the fairies was this little "barbie" pen that she saw at the craft store a month ago, and has been patiently waiting for the spring fairies to bring to her ever since. She was so pleased that "they" remembered. I love how much she enjoyed this ritual; how much it meant to her; that she was so excited she woke up early (ok, I didn't love that part, but I love her enthusiasm).

I crept back into bed for an hour, since Jax managed to stay asleep through the festivities. After I woke up, Eliz. and I made a special spring craft (she picked it out last week - it's a "flower" pot made from a decorated lollipop with Easter grass and goodies and it will be our centerpiece for our Easter dinner with family). We made some of our chocolate lollipops last night (a yummy test batch) and will make more later today so that we have treats for her cousins' Easter baskets.

The foil-wrapped remains of little chocolate bunnies and chicks are scattered around me, evidence of my morning folly.

Happy Spring!

2002-03-19T21:59:00.000-05:00

Thanks to all who looked at the picture of me and Jackson, and especially to all who complimented me ;-) I admit it, I love compliments (I hope that doesn't make me seem too vain/shallow/insecure/needy/etc).

I got my haircut today - well, just trimmed, as I have decided to keep growing it long. It looks really good - she blew it out semi-straight and it looks really sleek (a nice change from my usual mess of curls all over the place b/c I never remember to even comb my hair most days, let alone blow-dry it). I wish I had the time/patience/talent to blow it straight myself - but let's be honest, if I ever had an extra 30 minutes to spare, sitting there blow drying my hair straight would be about 875th on the list of things I would do with that time.

2002-03-17T21:09:00.000-05:00

Today was a pretty productive day. We made a big pot of tomato sauce; used the sauce to make *six* baked zitis to freeze; and still had about 5 containers of sauce to freeze for quick pasta meals. In between stirring the sauce, we got some laundry done, and we also took a trip to Trader Joe's. Oh, and we started setting up our spring table. It was also an exhausting day, and now I'm just really tired and run down. It's like I have no reserve energy to draw upon -- once the kids are asleep, I am just so drained there's so little left of *me* these days.

A very strange thing happened this a.m. Jax and I woke up together just before 7 a.m....I nursed him, but he was too awake/energetic to fall back asleep as he sometimes does (but that usually happens on mornings when he gets up a little earlier and it's still dark out). J. took him downstairs so that I could sleep in a little. I stretched out, happy to have the bed all to myself, and fell back asleep. When I woke up, I realized it was almost 9 a.m....I couldn't believe it. I ran downstairs, thinking Jax must have fallen asleep on his own, or else was very cranky/hungry. But he was just sitting there with Jack and Elizabeth, watching her make a craft, and totally happy as a clam....For the first time ever I think, he was awake for 2 hours and didn't nurse at all during that time, and didn't seem to mind that I was upstairs asleep instead of downstairs with him. I nursed him right away, thinking he must be *really* hungry, but the entire time he kept craning his neck, trying to see what Eliz. was up to. So I let him go back to watching her, and finally a little while later, he was ready to eat, and fell asleep on my lap. I was at once really happy that I got to sleep in so late this a.m., but also a little weepy and sad that my baby didn't need *me* this a.m. He's only 4 months old....Sob.

He is so enchanted with his big sister though. He just loves to watch her, and laughs and giggles at whatever she does. It's really cute now, because when we are in the car driving somewhere, she will talk and sing songs to him and she actually succeeds in keeping him awake and happy in the car....it's amazing! She is such an attentive, loving and caring sister...it is so heartwarming to watch them interact with one another, to feel the love between them. Makes a mama feel damn good.

Okay, gotta run....I am seriously craving some food. We bought these little waffle dessert cups at TJs today, and I just *have* to fill one with some ice cream and chocolate sauce and feast on it. Strangely, I am feeling no such pull towards the low-fat pretzels or organic baby carrots that we also bought today...go figure.