Okay, I am going to make a few disjointed (but all connected in my own mind) points about the current string of discussions about AP/mommies/daddies/priorities/etc.
First, I think it is really disingenuous and unfair to equate any separation/time away that a mom takes with "detachment." This is a false analogy in my opinion. A mother's physical absence does not equal detachment any more than her presence necessarily equals attachment (aren't there, for example, plenty of more "mainstream" -- whatever that means -- sahms who are home full time but are NOT attached to their children?) When I am in a coffee shop drinking a latte and reading a book, and my children are home with their father, I do NOT (repeat, do NOT) feel detached from them IN THE LEAST. I am taking a much needed "break" and some time alone with the primary purpose of feeling refreshed/rejuvenated so that I can do the best possible job I can as their mother. I still feel all the feelings of love, warmth, attachment, etc. for them as I do when I am with them. They are, I hope, secure enough in their attachment for me to realize that I am only gone a short time, and that I ALWAYS come back to them. They are, I hope, secure enough in their attachment to their father, that their time spent with HIM is focused on TIME SPENT WITH HIM, and not instead a lamentation of time NOT spent with me.
For me, at least, this isn't just about emphasizing that fathers ARE as capable as mothers of taking care of their children, it's about recognizing that time that children spend with their fathers is AS VITAL and AS IMPORTANT to their development/sense of well being/attachment/security etc as time spent with their mothers. It may not be the *same* but it is JUST AS IMPORTANT. I think we do mothers, fathers AND children a real disservice when we assume that time that children spend with their fathers is somehow a) necessarily detracting from the mother-child bond or b) somehow less than/less of a priority/less crucial than the time they spend with their mothers. FATHER/CHILD time IS and should be a priority in every child's life.
You see, I don't see love/attachment/security/etc as a zero-sum game. Love is not something that gets divided - rather it is multiplied and expanded when children are blessed with caregiverS who love and nurture and care for them. For example, the relationship that my daughter enjoyed with my mother (until her death) was one of the greatest blessings I could have given her. The warmth, love, and energy that my mother enveloped my child with was amazing -- it was nothing short of incredible (and I felt this way before her death, this isn't just some sappy melodramatic sense of loss/grief talking here). My mother was a true "alloparent" to my daughter. Their bond was strong, and fierce, and deep. And you know what? My daughter's heart being what it is -- full of love and warmth and attachment -- she is/was capable of being deeply and fiercely attached to ME, and her father, her Ma, and her aunt -- all at the same time. Her attachment to these other folks did not DETRACT from her attachment to me. She did not have to DETACH herself from me in order to ATTACH herself to other people. Rather, her heart learned, from its earliest stages, that love and attachment is something that is shared within a FAMILY -- and that those bonds are not the exclusive copyrighted possession of mothers/children.
I think this is, without doubt, one of the greatest gifts that I gave my daughter -- to allow her to develop strong and vibrant and true bonds of attachments with other adults in her life. I did not, in some state of matrydom/egomania/mother power stand in the way of that. And let's be honest here -- let's speak the unspoken that is rarely mentioned in these discussions of motherhood. Let's talk about the power that comes with being a mother. The POWER that comes with knowing that someone is so completely and totally dependent upon you for their survival and well being. Add to that the fierce, protective, amazing sense of LOVE that mothers feel (particularly attached mothers) -- and well, I think it sometimes creates a dangerous dynamic. This desire/effort to be the biggest influence in your child's life -- well, it can be a positive source of inspiration OR it can be something that you hold as power OVER your children (rather than as a source of EMPOWERMENT).
I think this is where this notion that the mother/child bond is so sacrosanct; so all-powerful; so untouchable that no other child/caregiver relationship can touch it comes from. It's about power. It's about keeping that love and awesome, amazing, breathtaking feelings that come with being in love with your child all to yourself. And in a way, it's about jealousy. Sometimes, we don't want to share our children's love with others -- we are so deeply and totally in love with them that we see others attention as a threat somehow to our own cherished place in our children's hearts. We don't necessarily want to compete with others for our children's love and devotion. Unless, of course, we are secure and confident enough to realize that our children's capacity to love is enormously great, and that as I mentioned above, love gets MULTIPLIED, not divided -- PARTICULARLY in the innocent, open, trusting hearts of children, who are not tainted by the abuses and misuses of love that come later.
Moreover, this sense of power that some mothers feel -- well, in a way, it's a way of making up for the power that is lost -- economically, status wise, career wise, etc. -- when a mother makes the decision to stay at home with her children and parent full time. Think about it -- if you are going to devote yourself so fully and so completely to the endeavour of raising your children, you have to, on some level, believe that ONLY you are capable of such an undertaking -- or, at least, you have to feel that you are the absolute BEST person to do this job. Yet if you allow, for example, that your husband or mother or other alloparent can ALSO be a source of love and caring and fierce attachment for your children, it doesn't necessarily HAVE to come at the expense of your job/sense of importance/etc. (and note I say ALSO, again, one attachment does not have to come at the expense of another). But you know what, if you are secure in your parenting, and your self, you CAN think of yourself as the best person for the job and still step away from that job for a couple of hours and know that it's still getting done well. Or, you can even take a more radical view -- and admit that despite the great importance of mothering, that having fathers/family members/alloparents in a child's life are just as important and essential to their well being as the job of mothering. That they provide something ADDITIONAL for children, something that mothers CANT fulfill all on their own because children NEED more than JUST THE GREAT AND ALL POWERFUL MOTHER/CHILD bond in their lives.
Am I speaking out of turn here? Or am I simply being too outspoken and too honest about the nature of mother love???
This is way too long, so I'll stop for now - oh, except to make this final point. I think mothers NEED more in their lives than JUST mothering. If you are someone who is fulfilled by mothering/housekeeping, and have no other passions, GOOD FOR YOU. I am seriously and honestly happy that you have found the calling that suits you. But if a mother happens to have another passion, calling, dream, aspiration, etc. -- well, I truly believe that she SHOULD find creative ways to pursue it. (And as a petty aside, let's not belittle other people's passions by calling them "hobbies" -- theatre is an art form, and art is necessary and vital to life -- not just a "hobby"). I think it is GOOD for children to see that their mothers have lives, and identities, and passions ASIDE from mothering. No, not ASIDE from mothering -- but rather as PART of their identities as mothers. Indeed, mothering may be my FIRST priority - but's not my ONLY one. NURTURING MYSELF AND MY CREATIVE IMPULSES is ALSO a priority. And I don't see that those priorities necessarily have to be in COMPETITION with each other (except for when babies are involved, I suppose, and even then, there are ways of WAH, etc. that can help one find a balance). Indeed, again, I don't see that pursuing something other than childrearing is even something APART from my mothering -- I see it as PART of my parenting, because it is PART of ME and MY SOUL. If I do not feel WHOLE, I can not be the mother I want to be. To be a whole self/soul, I have to allow room for expression for ALL of me. I owe it to myself, and to my children. Again, I don't know how to make this clear -- but when I start working on my school work again this fall, I won't/don't see it as "I'm putting something else ABOVE my children." I don't see it as misplaced priorities. I see it as an effort to be WHOLE.
I am reminded of a line from the movie, Chariots of Fire (one of my hubby's favorite). There is a character, Eric Liddel, who works with his sister as a Christian missionary/preacher, and is also an Olympic runner. When she insinuates that his running detracts from his church work, and that he should spend all his time doing his calling -- God's work, he replies, "Aiy, but He also made me fast. And when I run, I feel His pleasure."
That's it for me -- I am devoted to mothering, but I also have talents and intelligence that I am going to use -- and when I use them, I DO feel the pleasure of the universe/goddess/creation within me. And I will NOT deny that -- and I will NOT teach my children to deny that either. (geez, I should have just started with this line - because it is so perfectly capturing my sentiments at the moment).
More later when I find the time.
